I've come out of the other side of this weekend thinking that I couldn't actually be happier with my life right now. That's quite a statement to make and I think it's taken me a while to get here, working through life-changing decisions and facing up to the fact that I could actually be making things harder on myself, but at the same time knowing that they're right decisions and so ultimately I will end up happier.
Thankfully that's happened. I think I came to realise it in the pub this afternoon with my fella. Sat chatting, putting the world to rights and just smiling, just knowing that I'm having the opportunity to pursue a career I enjoy with people I love supporting me.
Smug, sickening, self-righteous I may be, but I've taken a step that I know many people have admired, or even envied, because at least I'm no longer wasting my time stuck doing something I don't enjoy.
It's funny really, the people I've spoken to this weekend that have told me they're 'hoping to stick it out for another year' or they're 'so fed up it has to change' and knowing they're where I was two or three months ago. All I can honestly say, in my slightly tipsy, but perfectly lucid, red wine state, is that if something doesn't feel right in your life, then fuck it. Jack it in and move on. It's tough, but by far the best thing you can do.
Ok, so I'm not sure how to get the rent together in the next month or so, but I'm not worried. It will work out. So far it has. Since I've quit my job I've managed to score three, yes three, different writing jobs and have been encouraged to pitch more ideas to a national women's mag. A year, or even five months ago I never thought I'd be in this position because I never thought I'd have the bollocks to do it. Obviously, it was never going to be an easy ride, but the fact of the matter is that three weeks into my self-employment I've managed to get regular, paid, writing spots goes to show that if you want something bad enough then it will happen...because you have to make it so.
Today I heard that a friend of a friend had jacked in his job to give it a go at being an actor. Risky, but he's committed. He's down-graded his home/rent and followed his heart. As people have been saying to me over the last few weeks, I really admire that's he's doing it, putting himself out there, and you know he'll work his bollocks off to make it, no matter how small the personal landmark will be that he's "made it", because we all have our own goals, but he's doing something about it. He's not staying somewhere for the sake of it, feeling duty bound like so many of us do because at the moment we're pressured into the feeling of having to keep a job because they're simply gold dust.
It's bull shit.
My heart goes out to my friend that's stuck in a job she's 'sort of' enjoying, working for a wage that's getting her by and living in a town she's desperate to get out of. If I could, I'd pack her bags for her and tell her to take more of a chance. In some ways I admire her, she's following the map and the plan I once had, but was thrown off because of circumstances out of my control. At that point I was forced to tread water, as it were, and make (sometimes shitty) decisions as to the direction of things. But it's worked out fine, and she'd be fine, but she's too sensible and I hate the thought of her being unhappy for another two years.
Overall I think I'm just fed up of people being unhappy; of seeing people I care about stuck in situations they feel they can't get out of because I know that's the shittest feeling in all the world. I hate that as a young person, supposed to be full of beans and starting on their career, we're given nothing but negativity and shit in the media about how bad things are and there's literally no resolution at the end of it. It's sad, it's depressing, it's scary as fuck and I guess the only positive I can see is that we're being pushed into these gold dust jobs, but we can only withstand it for so long before it motivates us enough to say "fuck it" and try to make it anyway because at least there's been an attempt to do something that makes us happy and fail, rather than work in a two-bit job that makes us miserable.
Realisation can be tough sometimes.