5 sure fire ways to murder your libido

Because usually I really like sex, but here are my fail-safe anti-sex tips on how to really make sure you don't want 'it'...

1. Move house...two months before the Olympics
As if having to pack up all of your shit, find a 'reliable' man with a van and coordinate your moving out date with four other people, while coughing up the pittance of money you earn to spend on a deposit and a two months rent upfront, but still try to deceive the estate agent that yes, you can afford this house, isn't stressful enough [breathe] you also have to move just before the Olympics because the landlord has now decided he wants his house back. This inevitably makes house hunting nigh-on impossible and doubly stressful. Forced to replace porn watching time with gazing at Gumtree for five hours and trying to call and converse with 80 estate agents within a day, is enough to drive anyones mojo away.

2. Work all day in a sex shop
Don't get me wrong, it's a lot of fun selling vibrators to unsuspecting customers ('unsuspecting' because they only came into 'browse'. I rarely let 'browsers' leave empty-handed), but really, there is too much of a good thing. After a 12 hour shift, the last sound I want to hear is the low murmur of a buzzing contraption. Simply fuck off and get that dual motored, multi-speed with 5 extra pulse functions, G-Spot vibe away from me.

3. Cut yourself shaving
I won't go into details, but "ow", and a bit sore. Does anyone know a good waxer?

4. Be a fun sponge
Due to moving house and working 12 hour shifts, allow yourself to be grumpy. Refuse to do anything more than sit on the sofa and drink red wine, then moan at your boyfriend when he suggests playing Xbox, going to catch up with friends, play golf, or even go for a nice walk. Put your foot down out right and say in your best huffy voice, "No." Guaranteed to kill not just yours, but his libido too.

5. Watch 'Lee Nelson's Really Good Show'...or whatever the fuck it's called
Never have I seen such pointless drivel on the TV - apart from Made In Chelsea - that has actually made me want to write to the BBC and demand back the portion of my licence fee that went towards paying for such utter shite. After listening to half an hour of his shit chav-like chat, you end up going to bed despairing at what the world has come to and it would be impossible to have sex even if you'd taken a bottle of Viagra because you simply loose hope for the human race and therefore any notions of wanting to procreate, or rehearse in the practise of, are totally lost.

RoseC -x-

Grumpy young woman

You know when you have one of those days where nothing goes right; where the following 24 hours is full of complete failures no matter how hard you try? That has been my Monday into Tuesday.

It all started to go wrong when I burnt the outside of the sausages to go with my dinner, but they weren't cooked properly in the middle so I wasn't able to eat them. I love sausages (behave!) and like to think myself somewhat of a sausage connoisseur. I'd happily eat them with anything, even green eggs and ham, so I was - not wanting to be too over dramatic - devastated when I couldn't eat the sausages and had to settle for just bagel, beans and fried eggs. So upsetting...

My second fail came at 3am this morning when I managed to spectacularly smash a pint full of orange squash by completely missing my bedside table. Turning on my bedside light - which, if I'd been sensible, I should have done in the first place - there was Staropraman shards everywhere and a torrent of orange squash creeping it's way under my bed and down towards the wrapped Christmas presents I had out. Oh, for fuck sake. Effort. Clearing up glass, half asleep and bleary eyed isn't ideal. I'm surprised I didn't get a chunk of it lodged in my foot. I was too annoyed though that I knew I was in for a broken night's sleep and doomed to be grumpy today.

And lo and behold, I am. Unfortunately for the kids I had the patience and attention span of a gnat and they got the short end of it.  Especially when the Headteacher said this morning that we're not allowed to show DVDs this week, so there goes my lesson plans for Thursday and Friday. That and my colleagues peeved me greatly today. Was not in the mood to listen to the 'mother's gossip group' that seems to occur in our staff room. Cannot be doing with people that try to unnecessarily complicate matters or find issues where there really aren't any.

At the end of the day, when I just wanted to go home, I waited for the bus to discover that I was 20p short on my Oyster card and the driver wouldn't let me on. This resulted in a long walk in heels to the nearest shop to top up. When I finally made it home, I again managed to under cook my sausages for dinner, which was especially shit as it was bangers and mash; kind of an integral part of the dish really.

To top it all off, I found out that I didn't even get short listed for a job that I thought I'd be made for: an editorial assistant for a healthy food magazine. I'm healthy and I like food, how could they not have gleamed that? It just rounded off a naff 24 hours.  *Sigh* Nice day tomorrow please!