Condom Monologue

In my line of work you often stumble across some very interesting websites. I'll leave it to your imagination to think up where some of my web browsing sessions lead me and, yes, more often than not it is unsavoury, but never illegal I hasten to add!

There has been one very lovely website that I discovered recently that I would like to share with you, called Condom Monologues. It's exactly as it sounds: people from around the world, sharing their loves, hates and experiences with rubbers. Some are funny, some are sad and some are damn right outrageous, but the best thing is that the site is another cog in the greater machine that is adult sex education and positive awareness to safe sex methods. They also all come with an excellent illustration, or animation of some kind.

Having read many of them, I felt inspired to contribute my own condom monologue, which you can read here. How cool is the animation of the flying carpet and condoms?! (Answer: very). Writing about rain hats seems to be a bit of a theme at the moment, as I also recently had a piece published in Adult Sport magazine on why condoms are great. If possible, I'll put the PDF up on RosemCrompton.com once the mag has come off shelf.

That's all for now and don't worry, I haven't forgotten about the tomboy articles. I have big plans for it in the New Year, so I hope to update that series soon.

RoseC -x- 

Staking a claim on the tomboy label (Pt 1)

When beginning this (mini) project, I did what all great modern researches do when needing a starting point: I Googled it. Yesterday I discussed whether the term is age specific, or if it can be used more broadly and if it's the latter, then just who else is using the label “tomboy” and how?

As it's a label I'm both comfortable with and proud of, I was hoping for loads of really cool, fun, interesting and informative sites touting the tomboy banner. What I found, however, was actually a bit of a let down.

Stick 'tomboy' in the Google search bar and the results you get all look samey at first. It's fashion this, fashion that, or tomboy as a trend, but not a lifestyle or way of thinking. This worried me. Perhaps that's all the term “tomboy” has become now: simply another fashion label that passes in and out of our consciousness as and when designers and the high-street see fit. Certainly this is the case when it comes to shopping for clothes. Some seasons I find it a cinch to shop the high-street for what I like and feel comfortable in. Other times it's nigh impossible.

Although frustrating at first, I refused to think that could be it. Tomboy on the whole world wide web simply could not be confined to a fashion trend, could it? There had to be more out there than fashion tumblr's and pintrest boards of women wearing tomboy-esque clothing. Where was the writing? The literature? The gender debate?

Ok, so none of that was to be found on pages 2-10 of Google either, but I did discover that “tomboy” is also a band, an Australian cafe, a professional note taking app, a solo musician, a DIY tool kit and lessons for women, and That's MyTomboy is a lesbian beauty pageant in the Philippines.

This last find, about tomboy becoming a term used within the lesbian community, is new to me. I've heard lesbians in my social circle describe themselves in many ways – lipstick, butch, dyke, “just a lezzer” - but not tomboy. Would love to hear your thoughts at the end of this blog, or Tweets (@RoseC_Leic) on this and what it means within the gay community. I'd like to expand on this in a later post as I only have experience of it in a heterosexual context and think it's interesting/potentially negative if an entertainment show is trying to 'normalise' lesbian by using a masculine noun, thus sticking a hetero angle on it to make it more socially acceptable. See where I'm going with this...? Either way, it's new to me and so I'd like to know more.

That was probably the most interesting find. The Tomboy Tools just pissed me off. Why, if you think women need to break free of patriarchal stereotypes that they can't do DIY and need a man around the house, would you then go and make your whole range pink? A stupid, girly, baby pink at that. The mind boggles and I left that site feeling patronised and hoped that I didn't come across any other wanky miss-uses of the label I so love.

There were a few 'diary of a tomboy' type articles on some feminist websites and what it was like when one tomboy donned a dress for charity, but these all echo the idea from yesterday about tomboy being an age specific term.

So, it will be a lot of reading for me this weekend to get my head around tomboy as a label for hetero and gay women and will try to tackle that next week. Watch this space, but let me know if you've come across any other weird, wonderful or simply infuriating bullshit that has tried to stake a claim on tomboy.

I think it's fast becoming clear that the aim here is that we at least reclaim the term from fashion and get to the crux of the idea that it's a lifestyle and the fashion is simply one part of it. What d'ya reckon?

Is it possible to be a tomboy in your twenties?

Note: This will be the first blog post to deal with the idea of "tomboy" as I try to flesh out thoughts around a bigger (potential) project. This single post will in no way try to cover the whole concept of "tomboy" and/or gender labelling.

Over the last few months I've been thinking a lot about the definition of "tomboy". It started as a dinner conversation with some girlfriends, each of us discussing what we were like as kids. All of us admitted that we were quite tomboyish, but would still do some girly things. I then took it further and asked if any of them would still consider themselves tomboys? All of them thought for a moment, then conceded that possibly, in some ways, yeah, they were, but we're all older now so it's different.

This got me thinking, because I would still very much call myself a tomboy. If I had to be handed a label, that is what I'd want mine to be and I'd wear it with pride, but is it weird for someone in their (late) twenties to call themselves a tomboy? Conjure up an image of a tomboy and usually you imagine a grubby-faced little girl in boy-like clothes. It's very much a term reserved for younger people.

Even the OED (2006) describes the term as: 'a girl who enjoys rough, noisy activities traditionally associated with boys'. Use of the term 'girl' and 'boy' further supports that connotation of it being a label belonging to the young and as every 'girl' grows into a woman, so she grows out of what we ideologically think being a tomboy is.

It could be (strongly) argued that because 'boy' is used in the word, that this is why it's reserved for the young and I can see the rationale in that. As much as I'd like to coin and claim the term “tomman” for us older tomboys, I just don't think it sends the right message. Plus it sounds like a Geordie simply calling for his mate Tom.

Perhaps to further prove my point about it being an age-related idea, I was made aware of a segment on BBC Radio 4'sWoman's Hour today, which included a 10 minute discussion on tomboy, made relevant by the re-release/UK release of a French film titled 'Tomboy'. Again, this film is about a 10 year old girl, that spends the summer pretending to be a boy. After I've watched it, this may warrant a blog post of it's own.

The guests on Radio 4 included Helen Moss, a children's author that has included a tomboy-esque character in her latest series and psychologist Claire Halsey. The discussion opened with a passage from The Famous Five, when Georgina makes it clear she'd rather be called George. Moss then discusses the child figure in her book and Halsey makes comment on the psychological behaviour of young girls wanting to act like boys and young people and “gender difficulties”.

All of the points of reference in literature, or anecdotal, only referred to pre-teen girls behaving in a tomboyish manner. Well, what about being a 'post-teen tomboy'? Is it assumed that women, because they don't tear around the block on their bikes (or maybe not as often as when we were younger), or climb as many trees, or make mud pies that they stop being a tomboy? Or is it that they've become more comfortable with wearing skirts and dresses and owning a handbag and therefore the label “tomboy” becomes moot, because they've shown some level of femininity?

If it is, then I don't agree with it. Trying to tackle clearly what tomboy is once you're past the age of six gets difficult, but I will try to unpick it across several blog posts. I know it definitely isn't pink and frilly though. That still stands for any self-proclaimed tomboy no matter how old you are. It's not just about fashion, or how grubby you get, or even how macho you try to be. Taking a hunt around the internet, I think Tomboy Tarts over in the States is about as close as I can find to a relevant post-teen tomboy definition right now, but I wouldn't fully agree with everything they put on their manifesto either.

Whenever asked to clarify what I mean by calling myself a “tomboy” now, I always respond with, “well, I'm not a girly-girl,” and an adult girly-girl seems easier for people to picture, so they quickly get some idea of what the opposite entails. I guess, somehow, that's a good starting point for defining the Post-Teen Tomboy.

 

Please feel free to quote anything from this blog, but credit RoseC (www.rosemcromton.com).

Please pass me that brick wall

It's been one of those days today folks. You know the kind, why it never really gets started, because there is one obstacle after another so what you planned to do is waylaid by a few minutes, then an hour, then another two hours. Before you know it, it's four o'clock and you're still trying to resolve the task that should have taken 10 minutes, because it turns out it's actually a lot more serious than you first thought.

Urgh. Guess that's hump day for you! Stupid Wednesdays. It's interesting how my sound track to today has evolved over the hours as I went from upbeat that it'll all be fine, to increasingly frustrated.

My soundscape started off rather mellow and refined. As I worked on my latest porn feature I had Classic FM on the go. If ever you need to feel inspired, or especially creative, I recommend that station. Listening to great composers definitely has the ability to spark ideas and inspiration. Either that, or it leaves you feeling like you've climbed a rung on the class ladder.

My day went a bit silent in the middle as I took phone calls, relayed information (searched for a brick wall) then sat quietly as I reflected on what I needed to do and what would be the best course of action.

Pilates snapped me out of it. There was some get up and go, pumping music playing quietly in the background. It was just enough to get me stretching with more vigour. I returned home thinking, it's fine. Now I've been out for a bit there will be some good news waiting for me.

There wasn't. There was no news.

From then, until now it's been all about the metal of the heaviest variety. I'm a goth at heart. I spent most of my teenage years dressed in black (not much has changed), so sticking on some metal makes me think back to when life was simpler. It's also a great soundtrack to have on the go if you have to hammer out a slightly peeved email or do tedious, methodical work. Angry music results in furious typing and before you know it, the job is done.

Here's hoping tomorrow's sound is a bit more relaxed and mainstream! 

Death By Desk: the slow demise of a freelancer

Winter, plus a desk job, equals a much unhealthier me. Although I'm a keen cyclist, I'm also keen to make more of my career and the only thing that could tear me away from being attached to my desk for 8+ hours previously was the prospect of going for a cycle ride in the sunshine. Now that's gone and been replaced with grey winter skies, I'm even less inclined to leave the comfort of my office chair.

Sadly, the reality of it is that if I don't get up and do some form of exercise, I will die sooner. Apparently. I particularly like this headline that Forbes ran: 'How To Stop Your Office Chair From Killing You'. It's just sensational enough and has caused me to view my own office chair in a homicidal light that I'd previously overlooked. How foolish of me. Everybody knows is was the chair, in the office whodunit.

Part of the problem is that it's ale season. Where in the summer months I was drinking light and cheery Pimms or G'n'T, now I'm indulging in frothy, filling ales. It's wonderful, it really is, apart from the fact that it's ale. And I'm not exercising as much. It doesn't take a genius to work out how "jolly" I must be looking at this time of year.

I'm a total desk jockey. Despite knowing it's bad for me, there will be days when I don't even leave the house. The furthest I move is from office, to kitchen, to living room and back again. They're all on the same floor, so there isn't even any climbing of stairs involved. This is very much an area of being a work from home freelancer that I hate.

For all of the stress it caused me, there was one great thing about working in the high school all those months ago: it got me out of the house and I was mainly working with the PE department, so I was super active every day. There are loads of naff sounding desk exercises I could do, but none of them really appear to be what I'd call "exercise". Stretching and flexing my feet or whatever is. If I'm going to exercise then that means getting the heart rate going.

With the view that I'd be writing this blog this evening, I did manage to persuade myself to go for a walk around the park on my lunch break. That kind of helped appease my concern about being slowly murdered by my office chair. Tomorrow I'm planning on going to a pilates class and on Thursday and Saturday I promise to go cycling. Will this be enough to offset my sitting? One can only hope that cycling in the cold will help to decrease my "jolliness". I'm confident that in many ways, it will.

EDIT
Had a few useful suggestions from friends on Facebook, so thought I'd share them here too, so you can make sure of them too.

Emily - also a writer - suggested the little and often approach. Try doing 10 mins of an activity like jogging, skipping, pilates, on the exercise bike each weekday. At the weekend do a bigger get out of the house activity. The beauty, as Emily says, is that you can really fit this in around your work schedule each day.

Gym-bunny friend Harriet - has a desk job - recommends hitting up You Tube for some short, power bursting exercise vids. Specifically she suggested the channel 'Fitness Blender' (sound violent!) as they do short routines that are ideal for home.

Any other good ideas, feel free to post them below and I'll put them up for others to benefit from too.

Does the porn industry really "trap" performers?

Everyone has got an opinion on porn. In early November, Jenna Jameson (one of the most famous and highest earning adult actresses ever) announced that she was going to return to porn. The reasons cited was that she was flat broke, had kids to support and going back into the adult industry was the quickest (?) and easiest (?) way for her to make bread money.

The majority of the press reports in relation to this news don't exactly paint a pretty picture (like this one). It plays up to the unfortunate stereotype so many people hold about porn stars: that they've all had "troubled pasts", are addicted to drugs and blah, blah, blah. A perfect example of this prejudice way of thinking is in this recent article by Morality In Media, which does it's best to paint a stifling, no-way-out picture of the adult industry and that it does more harm than good to women and their careers post-porn.

To summarise, it's basically saying that porn harms. Work in the adult industry at any point in your life and you'll be pretty well fucked in the future should you want to try your hand at anything else.

Thankfully, not everyone thinks like that and excellent site www.PVVonline.com offers an alternative view on the argument:

"This – “Halsey was able to get her real estate license and worked as a broker for 3 years until she was recognized and fired.” – is supposed to convince me that porn harms? No. All this does is convince me the we, as a culture and as a society, are a bunch of judgemental hypocritical assholes.

The harms of porn are not “well documented.” In fact, they’re not *documented* at all. To date, not even one study exists that connects porn consumption and/or production to causing “harms.” Whatsmore, even works that attempt to draw correlations between (read: possible connections with), say, porn consumption and socially undesirable behaviors (e.g. “sexist” attitudes) can be picked apart methodologically. In others words, the studies are done poorly and/or incorrectly."
Reprinted from Porn Valley Vantage/PVVOnline, copyright © Chauntelle Anne Tibbals, PhD (www.PVVOnline.com)

I particularly like the 'judgemental hypocritical assholes' sentiment in that quote (read the full article here). This is possibly because even in my limited time of writing about sex work, I have encountered people that dismiss porn as a profession. Apparently, I have been informed by people with "normal" jobs, because they work in the sex industry that's all they know how to do. The same incorrect ideologies are often associated with strippers, escorts and glamour models too, so I would extend this misrepresentation to beyond porn.

So, those porn stars, strippers and escorts I've met that are also trained teachers, nurses, authors, entrepreneurs, professional dancers and business men and women are making all of these other skills up? Because apparently if your first/current choice of career is working in the sex industry, it must mean that you're *unable* to ever do any other type of profession? That's just bull.

The problem arises, as touched on by Tibbals, is that once you've worked in the adult industry, once you've had sex associated with your name - whether that's doing it on film, privately with clients, or even writing about it - you're tarred with a brush by society.

Why is it so hard to move from the adult industry into another profession should someone choose to? Why can it not be like any other career move? If someone has made the active decision to say, "I don't want to work in adult anymore. Actually I think I'd rather go and work in banking/nursing/be a travel agent," why can they not escape professional prejudices in the same way someone would if they decided they didn't want to be a teacher anymore, but would actually like to go train to be a vet?

Even if their career history does come to light, why should that matter? Why should that mean they're not able to do their new job of choice anymore, even though they've been doing a fine and dandy job previously, just because before that time they decided to make their living by starring in porn? I don't get it. I honestly do not see the sense in that.

This stigma of, if you do sex it must mean you're lacking else where, just doesn't fly with me. Like I said, my experience isn't extensive, but as my freelance career continues so does the number of adult industry professionals I speak to and come into contact with. All of the "extra skills" I listed above are examples of what these professionals have told me they have under their belt as well as doing adult film.

So no, they're not just tits, pussy, dick and ass. It's not the porn industry that traps people in, or forces them to return; it's the wider professions and industries that keep these individuals out because of societal prejudices.

The Slow Web Concept

When it comes to media and the news, everything is fast these days. Last weekend I went to an event called The Sunday Papers Live and one of the speakers was Jon Snow from C4 news. One of the most fascinating aspects of his (informal) lecture was his telling of how they used to get world news back to the UK. By the time it reached Heathrow, the news he had reported on was generally two or three days out of date.

Oh, how things have changed. Now there are stories that can be published on the web and 10, 30, 40 minutes later it might be out of date. The beauty I suppose is that it can be easily amended without the print costs, but is fast news/comment/reports/features always a good thing?

This morning, before settling down to my day of work, I read a feature about a freelancer that had set up his own quarterly, online magazine. Adam Westbrook, the author of the feature, calls it 'micropublishing'. He was working solo and funded it himself. For many writers, I'm sure this would be the dream, but what I really liked about his project was the idea of the 'slow web' which beautifully contradicts how we usually consume internet based information. Adam Westbrook wrote:

'In a world where blog posts are scribbled off in 20 minutes and skimmed over by readers in 20 seconds, I wanted to write something that stuck.

I wanted to spend weeks researching essays, designing bespoke illustrations and scouring lost books. The result, I think, is a magazine made with love that demands your attention. I begin each issue suggesting the reader clears an hour from their schedule, switches off their 3G and pours a coffee.'

I love this. One of my favourite things to do at the weekend currently is to buy the papers and pour over them for hours, reading each section and the magazines/supplements. My chap asked me the other day, "why bother?" Obviously he was implying that it's easier and quicker to get it off social media, or the paper's website, but it all feels so frantic. It still feels like you're only getting snippets, or you have to read it quicker because it's on the web and comments are being constantly added, or the article might be modified by the editors at the touch of a button, so then what you're reading might change completely. At least with the papers it remains static. There's more of a chance to take it all in.

For me, print journalism still has a greater air of authority. Maybe because amid a huge amount of free media, you still have to pay for your print. Anything committed to this format feels more final. Know what I mean? I like the idea though of an alternative 'slow web', where there's a reminder that not all writing has to be hashed out in an hour or less.

A new challenge

So, since my last post I've been thinking a lot about my "personal branding". I reckon one thing I need to be better at is put myself about more. At the moment, I think the number of publications I'm contributing to, especially online, is fairly limited. Considering how many different outlets there are I should be doing more and writing more for more of them. It's all about getting my name and face in as many places as possible. I've even recently had new head shots, so here's hoping that will help.

The challenge I want to try and under take is to get a feature in a different publication (online or print) every month. Don't want to go too extreme at the moment and set myself up for failure. I'm also going to update my blog every day. I had a friend do this a couple of years ago and although she sometimes found it tough to find inspiration, or the energy after doing a full day at work, she stuck to it. I'm hoping it will help me hone in on a few more ideas about being a freelancer, what I like about the career and how to be better at it. I think eventually I'd like this blog to be a useful resource to other young freelancers, plus it will give me a bit of a break from talking about sex all of the time.

Of course there might be a bit of a catch to this challenge: not every publication I approach, or write for may pay. Bit of a problem when you're only source of income is your writing. Needless to say I'll be taking a hit along the way. I just hope my accountant isn't reading this.

One of my uni lecturers said about freelancing: "you should never write for free." Now, in the thick of it and having been a freelancer for over a year I can see both sides of the coin. Plus, when that little nugget of wisdom was passed on to me and my class mates, the idea of e-zines, blogs and media on tablets was literally only just on the rise.

So, there we go, challenge set. Lets see how it all plays out...

RoseC -x-

Personal Branding

Found this on www.journalism.co.uk today offering tips to freelancers on personal branding. Reckon it really is relevant to anyone that works for themselves though, so you may find it useful too.

Taking a read, there's some good ideas...granted it did make me go, "ah, crap! I don't do any of that," when I first read it and I felt a bit lousy that I've been such a bad marketer of myself, but at least now I have something to kick my arse into gear to sort my "personal branding" out. Basically, I think I need to put it about a bit more...

Sex Journalism: A crazy ambition?

Doing face to face interviews is a rare occurrence for me. I'm not sure why this is as I always enjoy them more if I can sit and chat with the person. Anyway, today was one of those rare times when I got to actually go and see someone and do an interview with them. It was with a male porn star - I think only the second male adult performer I've ever interviewed, so it was quite an experience and nice to get the other side of the story. The majority of the time it's women from the adult industry that I interview.

Sadly, I can't go into the in's and outs of my interview with him here (at the moment) as it all needs to go to press and stuff first, but we got on well. Cheekily he tried to turn the tables a few times and get me to answer a few questions, most of which I did in a very broad manner without giving too much away about myself, but there was one question he asked and it kind of threw me. He asked, "What's your ambition, there must be an end goal and something you want to achieve?"

At the time I wasn't sure how to answer it. One of the reasons I started this blog was in the hope that it would give me somewhere to put down a few ideas and maybe from that a direction would emerge about my career and what I want to do. It is starting to...I think.

Sitting on the train home, I thought about this question more. I thought about what it is that I enjoy writing and why I write. Looking at my portfolio my subject of choice is pretty obvious, although there are times I crave to write abut stuff other than sex, but why do I choose to write on this subject primarily? Well, thinking back to a slightly drunken conversation I had with a friend of mine last year, what I really want and what I think my ambition is, is for people, everyone, to have good sex.

Mostly I write because there's a lot of bad sex journalism out there. I don't want to be a "sexpert", I don't want to be a psychologist, a relationship councillor or body language expert. My ambition is to be the journalist that takes the time to properly hunt out those people to give good, honest sex advice and create features, articles, stories and books that bring the right, best and most enjoyable aspects of sex to the page.

I want to do this because I give a shit, because I think sex gets a lot of bad press or seedy press or is just used as a fad and so often everything that's fanfuckingtastic about it is overlooked.

So there, I guess that's my ambition. I want to be that journalist.

The Winds Of Change

Currently I'm experiencing something new in my freelance career: the (potential) cancelling of one of my regular columns. It sort of came as a surprise, but not entirely and I have mixed feelings about it. Columns, contributions and commissions get cut all of the time I'm sure, but it's yet to have happened to me and I'm what? Two years in at the most? That's not bad going really.

At the moment I'll avoid saying which publication may be canning the feature I write as it's not 100 percent confirmed, but when the issue was raised last week I felt a little bit crestfallen to begin with. They had sort of thrown it open to me, in a very round about way, asking if I'd like to continue writing it and part of me did and part of me didn't. In the end I decided to think on it for a few days.

So I took the weekend and stewed it over. Mostly I've come to the conclusion, depending on the editor's final decision, that this particular feature has run it's course. Realising that actually gave me a bit of a thrill. It's been a while since I've approached any new publications - online or print - and flexed my digits around some different writing styles. There are a couple of projects that appear to be drawing to a close at the moment and on the whole, rather than feel panicked, it's actually quite refreshing.

I apologise for sounding hugely clichéd right there.

Pretty much since my freelancing career began I've been writing for the same titles. This is partly for financial security reasons, partly because they've been on-going projects that have afforded me opportunities to develop a few new skills. It would have been silly to stop any of them in their tracks just because I'd been working on/for certain companies for a year or so.

On the other hand, part of the beauty of freelancing is having the chance to chop and change and test the waters with lots of different publications should I desire to do that and I definitely think that's one area of this whole freelance journalism malarkey I'm yet to really put to the test and experiment with. Although it's sad to loose a regular column - and one that I actually really enjoyed writing - I'd rather see this as a positive. It will free up a bit more of my time each month so I can explore other avenues.

So, it's a little bit out with the current and in with the new and so far the breeze seems to be fairly warm and inviting. Will have to 'watch this space' though.

Over and out for now.
RoseC -x-

Twitchy

ARGH! I've got that thing this evening where I've been writing all day, but it's mostly been massively mundane stuff and now I feel I need to write something all insightful and creative, but because of the more cardboard writing I've been doing I'm actually a little bit brain dead. It's that thing where what you're writing is probably a completely ramble, but it feels so nice (from a writer's point of view) to just get it out of your fingers and your head and write something that, despite being a bit nothingness, at least requires a bit more thought and free flow than the rigid, dull, structured stuff you've been doing for the rest of the day. Any other writers/creative people reading this and know what I mean.

this is going to sound lame, but it's like you need to let all the lovely words and phrases pour out of your finger tips that you've been unable to use during the day. I guess now would be a good time to have a go at that 'flow poetry' malarkey, which I'm usually not very good at. Perhaps that's what I'll sit and do this evening.

Really I wanted to write a blog about networking and press events. I have this really insightful and thoughtful blog I'd like to write in regards to that side of my job, but tonight is not the night to do that. When I do write it, I'd like it to be useful, maybe even provoke some sort of debate between PRs and journalists. Ooh, me being controversial!

As it is, my fingers are feeling twitchy and my brain needs to splurge, so here it is and the more I type the more relieved I'm feeling. Reckon a few more sentences and I'll be feeling suitably satisfied. Writing blurb copy for sex toys all day just doesn't cut it in the satisfying stakes in the same way a juicy feature or blog would. Anyway, this is feeling good. My fingers and brain are beginning to feel appeased. I'm not even going to read this back you know until after I've hit post. I'm a rebel. I know! What can I say? Ooh...wait a minute...

Ah, that feels better :-)

Consider myself de-twitched (and I didn't even have any coffee today!).

Interesting Feature

Don't think I shared this when it went live, so I shall do it now...

A few weeks ago I was asked by a company to write a feature focusing on the notion that the hotel industry is in a unique position to promote a safe sex message. The audience would be boutique hoteliers. It was quite a challenge, but extremely interesting. Anyway, here's the outcome, see what you think and please feel free to leave comments here on whether stocking condoms in hotel rooms is a good idea or not...

How hoteliers can sell the idea of sex

The At-Work Hangover

Whether you work in an office, or work from home; are an employee or self-employed, there is one thing we can all agree on: working with a hang over is really, really rubbish.

Unless you're t-total, every over 18 year old will, at some point, have experienced that hideous phenomenon of the 'at-work hangover'. From the moment the alarm goes off and you wake up with dry mouth, a dull "ow" in your head and the complete annoyance that even though you slept like a log, alcohol induced sleep has not provided you with the rest you needed, to the moment you sit down at your desk and start clock watching for it to be 5pm, there are few non-torture related pains in this world that are worse than the 'at-work hangover'.

Ohh, why did I have that extra beer?

Was that sixth smooth, hoppy pint in the cosy pub on a cold autumn day really worth it?

Does the fact that it's a Monday - that's right it's only freaking MONDAY! - and you're starting the long working week feeling like you could curl up and sleep under your desk, not leave you feeling a little bit dirty and ashamed?

Yes, yes it does...

All the good work of relaxing at the weekend has been undone by the 'at-work hangover', which only serves to remind you how long it is until the next weekend and so there are all of the trials and stresses of the entire working week to face before then.

Then there's the guilt...

Oohh the guilt! The guilt that wracks me to my very core. How could I be so foolish that with all of the work I know I must do, I have to complete and get through, but now nothing, that's right nothing, will be achieved with this 'at-work hangover' sitting over me.

The day is spent doing menial tasks, or taking longer to do the simple things until the fizzy make feel good kicks in so there might be at least half a chance to do the harder things. If suffering in an office, there's also the tricky business of making it appear to your colleagues that you're not completely inept. Keep them onside with extra offers of tea rounds, which a) makes you look really lovely and b) gives you precious moments away from the desk, computer, work space so that you might compose yourself or at least have allowed another 15 minutes of this day where time drag to have ticked by.

Yes, cosy Sunday drinking has a lot to answer for.  

No Generation Can Own Sex

There are some things in life that really get your goat and last week I discovered a new one. It's a phrase that has the ability to make my blood boil and it goes something a little bit like this:

"My generation invented sex."

 

Now, there are clearly several things that are very wrong with anyone uttering this statement, but first let me contextualise the situation for you...

 

I attended a 'Slut Night', which was a group of women - mainly journalists - all sat in a room discussing the meaning of the word "slut". There were debates as to whether women should or could reclaim the word, the idea of 'slut shaming', the changed meaning of slut, celebrity slut, UKIP and sluts and slutty life experiences. The speakers for the evening were generally aged between 20 and 40 and the age of the audience varied widely beyond that, however I don't want to get hung up on age, although the woman in question who spoke the above sentence seemed to think it was important.

 

She was, by her own admission, living the dream of the sexually liberated 60's. Throughout all of the other talks given, she sat at the back of the room and chuntered and moaned about what these younger speakers were saying. Granted, no one could agree with everything that was being said, but then that's the point of a debate is it not? The problem was how dismissive she was of some people's experiences or understanding of the word "slut", perhaps just because it was different to her own. Under her breath, although loud enough for those sitting near her to hear, she explained how she "despaired at this generation" and our understanding of sex. Ouch.

 

So, although not scheduled to speak, she wangled her way on the bill. After the spiel about her being part of the 60s feminist movement, it was then she said, "My generation invented sex."

 

My palm hit my forehead and I let out a sign in complete, utter, despair and sadness.

 

Now you know the background, which is important, because although this is not a new phrase and people for decades have boasted that they "invented sex dhhaarling", it obviously had a lot to do with the manner, tone and environment in which it was delivered and that is what grates on me and that is why I think it's important not to sweep this under the carpet.

 

If people of one generation can think the experience of any other generation is less important or gives cause to "despair", and it's women judging women in this way, then I can not see how aspects of women's sexual revolution can progress further, because we have such a massive lack of understanding about each other and what sex means to different women from different decades.  

 

The statement is simply incorrect. No one, single generation can claim to have invented sex. They can claim to have discovered new techniques, new science or knowledge around the idea of sex that may make it better or worse, but to brazenly claim you invented it and whatever two people were doing before that involved them rolling around naked together in a state of arousal was something "other", because obviously sex hadn't been invented, is ludicrous.

 

Add to this the fact that it's condescending. By using this phrase you are somehow suggesting that the sex women are having today is less thrilling or incorrect. Shit, ARE WE JUST NOT DOING IT RIGHT?!

 

When something has been invented it is new, it's exciting, you put your own stamp on it. In fact, the woman in question did go on to say "there is nothing new, we did it all before" and that is just outright patronising. Yes, you may have done it before, you may have done it earlier, but every person - I'm speaking female or male, or trans or queer or asexual - has to come to their own conclusion and understanding about sex, what it is and how to do it. Sex is being invented or reinvented every day by every single person experimenting with it in their own manner.

 

A perfect example of how sex has actually been changed, or how one generation has something new or different to deal with is The Internet.

 

For those loved up, sexually liberated lot of the 60s, 70s and even most of the 80s in fact, they didn't have the experience of trying to get their head around how the Internet affected their understanding and exploration of sex. Connecting women globally it gave them access to information and images, some of it good and some of it bad, like never before. Sex on the Internet is an invention and through this invention it has changed the perception of certain sexual attitudes and ideas, such as the idea of slut.

 

It makes me sad that anyone would try to stamp a claim on sex in this way, or try to state that the experience of one decade, era or generation is more important to the movement of women's sexual liberation than another. You may not agree or understand everything that generation does, but it doesn't make it any less important.

 

 I am thankful for the experience of those that grew up experimenting in the 60s. I'm also thankful for the debates that were had in the 80s around Madonna or Boy George on sex and sexuality. I hope, good grief I really hope, that all of the writing, speaking, campaigning, documentary film making that my generation are doing now to ensure a bigger, better, wider understanding of female sexuality, will be of some help to the next generation and that everything new, different or changed that we have had to trial and error, love or loathe, will help them to go on and have better sex.  

 



Switching Off: Not Even A Holiday Can Stop ME!

When I tell people that I work from home, the most common reaction I get is, "Ooh, I couldn't do that. I'd get easily distracted by things to do around the house, or just wouldn't bother getting out of bed 'til late."

Surprisingly, what I've so-far found in my short, work-from-home freelance career is that it's amazingly easy to not be a lazy fucker, especially when you see the state of your bank balance at the end of the month. So, it's not the getting motivated that's the problem, it's the learning when to stop and switch off that I find tougher. There is no home-time bell, no contracted hours, no office manager or building security chap to say, "it's time to stop and go home."

I've been learning and realising that knowing when to stop requires just as much discipline as getting started.

Recently I've had the opportunity to sink my teeth into some meaty articles and I've really enjoyed researching and writing them. As I touched on in a recent post, some days I simply sit and read for work. I can do this for hours before consolidating what's relevant to put into the piece I'm working on. Finally, I've been fully enjoying and loving what I do and I've become more confident too, taking on more and more projects. Apologies, I don't mean to sound smug, I know there are a good many people stuck in jobs they wish they weren't and trust me, I know how that feels. It's taken a lot of "uhm'ing" and "ah'ing" and much soul searching and questioning my career options, before finally getting to this stage and now I'm reluctant to let it go.

Last week the boyfriend and I went on holiday to Fuerteventura. Yes, it was lovely thank you for asking, but I found it hard to stop and relax which I thought was weird and a bit unsettling. I'd been gagging for this holiday before we went away having not taken any real time off since January. There were a whirlwind of deadlines I needed to meet before we caught our flight and it was all go, go, GO! in my little home office. I loved it because it felt like being on press and that's definitely something I miss about not working on staff at a magazine. A bit of pressure never did any journalist any harm.

For the first two/three days of being on holiday, I couldn't relax. My phone was off, there were no emails to check, no press events to go to, articles to write or edit. My only job was to sit. Read (something not work related). Relax. I found that hard at first and it made me anxious, having the total reverse effect of what "a holiday" is designed to do.

A few ice creams and a dune buggy adventure ride around the volcanoes later and I was managing to get into the swing of it. By this time is was Wednesday rolling into Thursday; we were due to fly back on Saturday. Still, I did get some days of R&R, feeling the most tranquil when I was at the beach, floating and swimming in the crystal clear ocean.

Do you know the first thing I did when we got back to the UK though? Correct, I turned on my phone and checked my work email. We hadn't even got to baggage reclaim and it was a Saturday. There was no reason why I couldn't have waited to check until Monday. It was my boyfriend's reaction that possibly prompted me to question my ability to switch off, when he said: "So that's it then? Holiday over?" I felt bad. I'd definitely screwed up the work/life balance on that occasion.

Since being back I've worked until 8pm or 9pm every night and my mind has been ticking over with readings and ideas all the time I'm not sat at my laptop. I know, I know! There will be some people out there thinking, 'Is that it? I work until 2 or 3 in the AM,'. Well, that's fine, but I am definitely more of a lark than an owl. Give me an early, productive start over a late finish any time.

Slipping back into work-mode has been so easy and I've got a whole new set of projects to start now. There are also some interesting looking events I'm going to over the next month, again all work-related, and although I'm excited by them I'm conscious of the fact that a lot of my conversation, socialising and evenings are still me being switched on for work.

Definitely, one of the biggest pitfalls, or toughest things to get right is a life/work balance.

RoseC -x-
 

So, how was it for you?

Last weekend was the end of an era, albeit a fairly short era. Saturday saw me complete my last 12 hour shift working in the sex shop (yes, that's right. I said I worked in a sex shop, now keep up). From here on out, I'll be living on my writing wage alone. It's kind of an experiment and I'm not sure what the results will show, probably one of two things:

1. I CAN SURVIVE AS A WRITER! HURRAH!
2. Damn, I'm broke and need another part time job to supplement my dream job.

As I explained to a friend today, while getting distracted and chatting over Skype, I am both nervous and excited about winging it on a writers wage. She explained that I need to become a Writing Shitting Machine. By this, I/we mean to be able to shit out a lot of writing and get quicker. Definitely need to speed up how long I take to write a feature, but that's a topic for another time. I used to work a lot like that when I was writing/editing Harlot. I just need to re-engage and channel that slightly scared, extremely stressed, always on a frickin' deadline feeling.

Anyway, this post was going to be a bit about what it's like to work in a sex shop. Honestly. Not surprisingly, when I tell people what I do, it's always the part time sex shop work that gets the biggest reaction. Also not surprisingly, people have a lot of questions about what it's like, so I thought I would try to answer some of the most common and popular questions I got asked over the last 18 months here, in a Q&A stylie feature. Enjoy...

SEX SELLS!

Amazing blog site, Straight Out Of Crompton caught up with Rose Crompton, a part time sales assistant in an adult store that's racier than Ann Summers, to discover what all the buzz is about?

Interview and additional words by Rose Crompton

 

How on earth did you end up working in a sex shop?

I forced my way in. Not in a creepy kind of way, but after my job at Scarlet folded and I walked away from Harlot the element I enjoyed most was the sex writing. So, to keep my finger on the pulse - urgh cliché!- I dropped my CV off at a sex shop and pestered the manager until he gave me some hours.

 

Do you get to try all of the toys?

Well Rose, this is a question I get asked a lot and the simple answer is no, not all of them. Geez, I'd be exhausted if I did because there are literally hundreds!

 

But you get a discount?

Oh yeah! I was lucky enough to get a staff discount when I wanted to buy something. It's good because the more you try and use - that's right, I use sex toys me being the modern woman I am - then the more knowledgeable you become about the products, so the better advice you can give to the customer. Sex toys are very intimate things and can cost hundreds of pounds. In the same way you'd expect a camera shop assistant or beauty counter person to be the expert in their field, so do sex shop sales assistants. It's not that different really and when you think about it like that, it kind of takes the fun out of it. Sorry.

 

Ok, ok, so what's the best sex toy?

Hard to say, because sex toys are such intimate items. What works for one person, might not work for another. If I had to be pushed to say something, for women get the Rocks Off RO-80mm. Guys, try a Fleshlight, or Tenga Egg, or simply apply lube. To everything.

 

Do your parents know?

Yes. And all their friends. And most of my family. They're cool with it and often the ones with the most questions (randy devils!).

 

Does your boyfriend mind?

I get a discount, what do you think..?

 

Bet there are loads of weird creepy, pervy guys that come in though?

No, not at all. I mean obviously there's the occasional odd ball, but we're in London so it's to be expected. If by pervy guys you mean the blokes that come in to buy porn or mags then definitely not. Often, these turn out to be the quietest, most polite customers we have.

 

So, what kinds of customers do you get?

All sorts, like literally anyone and everyone. Thankfully there's a lot less stigma attached to walking into a sex shop these days. Some of the most memorable (and lovely) customers I've helped out include a 60+ woman, on holiday from Brazil looking to buy her first vibrator; a post-op trans woman looking for something small; a lesbian couple in need of a firmer dildo (lucky we stock glass) and an endless number of men wanting to "surprise" their partner's with something luxurious and top of the range. Seriously, there is no 'normal' or stereotype you can attribute to what a sex shop shopper is anymore. That makes me happy.

 

Do people have sex in the shop?

Hell no! If they try (only happened once) then they get escorted out. We sell the sexy stuff, but the sexy stuff ain't allowed to happen until you're home!

 

Aren't you embarrassed talking to people about that 'stuff'?

No, not at all. Sex is fun and there's lots to learn and most of us revel in the pleasures it offers us. Nothing to be embarrassed about and most of us do it.

 

Well, that's about it. This was just supposed to be a bit of fun, but I'm more than happy to answer [serious] questions about working in an adult store and sex toys. Leave a comment on the blog, or get me on twitter @RoseC_Leic -x- 

Busy are you? Where's the proof?!

Being a freelance writer is strange. Increasingly as I progress further into my current career I'm finding that I'm always super busy, with lots going on and I do a great amount of writing related work each day, but then at the end of the week when I think back over everything I've done, I ask myself: where is it all?

It's funny really, because I have more to do in a day than is possible to fit into the hours it offers (it's this excuse I'm using for why I've not updated my blog in over a month) and finally I'm getting to a point where I have enough writing work rolling in that I'm able to cover my London living costs. When someone asks me though, "what work have you got on at the moment?" it's sort of difficult to recall, or remember, or show them. It's not like I'm appearing in the printed papers, weeklies or monthlies, or popping up on an endless amount of mainstream blogs or online magazines to justify my increasingly steady income thanks to the world of journalism. Ironically, the largest web e-zine that I contribute to, I do so free of charge and it doesn't effect my earnings at all.

Unfortunately, the brutal reality of it is that a lot of what I do is sort of "background writing" as I like to call it. Copy and content writing that you don't put your name to as a rule. Sure you can use it in a portfolio to show as evidence of different styles of writing, but that's about it and don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking it. So far it has meant I've had the opportunity to work with and write for some really exciting businesses.

It's either that, or I'm writing porn. As much as I'd like to, I'm not the kind of person that when one of my Mom's friends, or my accountant, or a stranger asks me, "where have you recently been published?" to whip out the latest issue of Escort or Adult Sport. Of course I'm proud of the work I do for those titles, but I appreciate it's a niche area of journalism that not everyone wants to see or read. Still, I maintain it's a better level of sex writing than appears in many of the women's glossy lifestyles, but that's an argument for another time.

Writing social media is another funny one too. There are now a couple of companies who's Twitter and Facebook I look after on a daily basis. It's still writing, it's still journalism, but I have to admit that when I was studying my journalism degree, I didn't think it would be such a profitable aspect of my writing career. How times have changed.

Of course, there's also a massive amount of reading and research to be done. If there's one lesson about freelance journalism I've come to learn over the last year, it's that pitching is bloody hard. Trying to get a commissioning editor to take the bait and give you the green light is tough. Rookie journo Rose was trying to knock pitches out every day with just a minimal amount of research to support my idea. Honestly, I look back over some of my early proposals and shake my head. There are some, of course, I maintain are good ideas and editors missed a trick...or oddly enough my ideas appeared in the not so distant future. Blokes Guide To Surviving Sex Shopping was one that coincidentally surfaced. Shame you can't copyright an idea, eh?

The lesson I've learnt though is the more you put in to start with, the more likely your idea will come out of the other end in the form of a printed/published feature and a pay cheque.

Anyway, I suppose I'm typing this to some how appease my conscience that I am, actually, doing enough. There is evidence of this here, here, oh and right over here too. Not to mention I am all over this. And so it continues. Where there are more shiny new PDF's I can add to my website, I shall make sure you're the first to know.

Rose -x-

Feet that could kill a fetish

I have never had a pedicure.

There. I've said it and this is not something I'm proud of now that summer seems to be in full swing and my feet are on display. Lots. Even daily I would say. It's now far too hot for socks.

Usually I'm not so fussed with such tedious beauty regimes as getting my feet scrubbed and toe nails polished, but when I looked down at my pinkies the other day I was horrified by what I saw. I can only apologise to any small children in South London that are naturally closer to the ground, thus nearer to my feet and forced to suffer the horror! Glancing downwards my eyes were greeted by scarred, blistered toes, cracked heals and hair!

Since when did my feet get so hairy?!

Ok, I wouldn't say that I'm hobbit level yet, but there are noticeable long strands of hair on my big toes. Upon examination of my boyfriend's feet I'd say I rival him and I'm yet to see any of my girlfriends with toe-hair as long as mine. (I bet it's not as glossy either...)

Is it acceptable to Immac toes?

Generally I wouldn't care about the state of my feet at all, but I've noticed that the condition of them has become increasingly worse over the last year. This could be down to the many 12 hour shifts I do in the sex shop, or that I've found it harder to give up my favourite pair of trainers and it's not exactly been the weather for flip-flops ("thongs" for my Aussie readers) or sandals until very, very recently.

Last week I dared to wear out a pair of, what I thought were comfortable, sandals. They have a back to them, so no one would be able to see the hideous cracking and dead skin on my heels. Skin that rather than really do anything about, I like to pick at a bit at a time for a good hour or so each night. Sorry. Anyway, I wore these sandals and they only added to my foot strife. They dug in and caused huge blisters on each of my little toes. One of them even bled. They remained open wounds for about three days and now I have matching large scabs on each foot.

At least my new foot design still makes them look like a pair.

I once went to a fetish club (yeah, you're gonna like this story) and a man put the whole of my foot in his mouth. I kid you not, he basically deep-throated it. It was slightly disconcerting, but rather impressive at the same time. I imagine it was nothing like having those little fish nibble at your heals, but I've never done the fish thing before, so I wouldn't know. (Weirder than a stranger sucking your feet or not?) He said that although I had "quite wide feet", he thought they were very lovely.

I tried not to be offended by his obvious distress at my slightly wider feet, because I know that feet with a bit more girth just isn't feminine. I know this because when shoe shopping there are very few nice women's styles tailored for wide fit femmes. Usually I try a pair of attractive new heals - or even trainers for that matter - and my little toes shamefully protrude through the side of the leather.

Two years on and I'm pretty sure that if the chap from the fet club saw my feet again, he wouldn't touch them with a barge pole. Width would be the last of his worries.

So, unless anyone has the spare cash to fly me to a sandy beach for a week - because that's how long it takes for natural sand to sort your feet out...ahem... - I'll be resigning myself to trying to sort the issue myself and whip these little piggy's into shape before the sun sets on summer. Tips welcome!

Finish This Sentence... (not this one though.)

Usually I can't stand people finishing my sentences, but on this occasion I'd really like YOUR help with completing this one:

"During sex I love it when he..."

The aim of the game is simple, finish the above sentence by posting below on my blog, tweeting me @RoseC_Leic, hit me up on my Facebook or email me rose_m_crompton@hotmail.com with your response. Last rule is that this is open to women only. Sorry guys, I'm not doing it to be sexist.

Those of you that know me well will probably have figured out by now that this is for a feature. Well done, gold star for you! :-) It is for a sex article to appear in a top shelf mag. Don't worry, real names can be changed, or it can be left anon if you prefer so if you want to join in, but are worried about where it's being printed, then don't. I'm not out to expose anyone! If you give me a good answer that I decide to use then we can work around the name thing, no worries.

Honest, serious answers only please. This is supposed to be fun, but also give an insight into what different women enjoy during sex.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Rose -x-

The Miserable Month of May

For the last two years May has been an awful month. In 2012 I learnt we were being "kicked out" of our house, right before the Olympics. Money was scarce, stress was high and there were few places that were not rat infested shit holes that I'd actually consider living in. This year May has been rubbish because money has been scarce, my bike got nicked, there's been family sadness and the weather has seriously sucked arse, bar two days.

In conclusion: May can fuck off with itself.

If May were a person, it would be one with a seriously twisted sense of humour.

It's for the above reasons that I've not blogged in a while. Those and when I have had spare time it's been filled with work and deadlines (which is a GOOD thing). A quick update of work as I think it stands is that you can see my interview with a sex toy reviewer in the current issue of Escort magazine; there's mind blowing motorbike facts in issue 16 of Adventure Bike Rider; I'm still doing the events for www.cityplanter.co.uk (despite what the latest byline reads) and am going social media mad with @Harmonystoreuk. Seriously, give us a follow.

Will be off to escape for a little while tomorrow and kiss the Miserable Month of May goodbye up in Edinburgh, where there will be much walking and jollity...and if the forecast stays right, not a lot of rain. Huzzah! After that, normal service will resume with witty blogs, a multitude of sex toy reviews to catch up on and more pitching fun that I can shake a stick at!

Until then, lets look forward to June and what will hopefully be a much more positive month.

An Idea. (You can have this one for free.)

Recently the boyfriend and I celebrated the anniversary of when our relationship began. Aww, sweet, I know. We went for dinner. It was lovely and romantic, but it's not dinner I want to talk about; it's presents.

You see, the chap and I have this genius and fun way of doing anniversary gifts that a) keeps the cost down, b) means you don't have to spend hours trawling the shops umming and ahhing about whether something is "right" or not c) it's a lot more fun than just getting them any old cliched gift. We've been doing it for three years, so it's been tried and tested to assure it works, and now I'd like to share it with you.

The game is this: first you both need to agree on a budget. Maybe you'd like to put this into perspective in relation to how long you've been together? For example, in our first year we only agreed to spend a fiver on each other. Well, we had only been together for a year and not that we were wanting to be cynical or anything, but if we had split up I wouldn't be so narked off at having only spent £5 on him.

I don't understand those couples that celebrate three or six month anniversaries and spend hundreds of pounds on each other in order to prove and/or declare their love. Next thing you know, two months later the relationship has fallen apart and people are demanding to have stuff back.

"Well, I spent a trillion pounds on the two and three-quarter week anniversary gift I got you and now I want it back!"

Slight exaggeration there, but you get the picture. Quite why a soon-to-be ex would want the gifts back I don't know. Spite? To regift? Anyway, agreeing a lower budget when you first start out takes all this crap away and then you can obviously increase it year on year.

Like I said, we started with no more than a fiver on each other. Three years down the line we're up to only £15 on gifts. Not only does this mean we're not spending a stupid amount of money on each other, but it means that the money we do earn/save can go towards a nicer, shared experience instead. Often we spend it on an exceptionally fancy dinner and a good bottle of wine in a restaurant we wouldn't usually be able to afford to go to. Much more practical.

The other rule with the money thing is that under no circumstances are you allowed to go over budget. You can go under budget, but if you go even a penny or two over then shame on you, you ruined the challenge. This leads me nicely onto the second part of the game...

Pick a shop/store/website/goods outlet that reflects your budget. There's no point saying you only have a fiver to spend and deciding it has to be something from Selfridges. That's chuffing stupid. After all, it is your anniversary, so you want to get something at least a little bit decent, not just any old tat.

For example, for our first year celebrations we picked Argos as our shop of choice. A fiver can go a long way there, so it seemed like a sensible outlet and there's lots to choose from. I got a frozen beer cooler jacket (I drink a lot of beer) and he got a bedside lamp (he needed a lamp). Granted, they're not the most romantic gifts, but that's sort of the point as well; it forces you to put a little bit more thought into what you think you're partner will appreciate, but takes away the bullshit of going over the top. It also makes for a good conversation point and can be stupidly funny.

Since then we've done £10 from Amazon and £15 from Camden Market - the main market by the station, not the whole town as a market. Next year we're doing £20 and it has to be something from a charity shop (any charity shop in London), which should be interesting as it will be so pot luck as to what's in there!

So, there you have it. A sure-fire way to add a fun, interesting and true element of surprise when it comes to buying anniversary gifts. No more tacky, 'romantic' From Me To You bear gifts around here.

Enjoy,
Rose -x-

If you choose to use/repost this idea, that's cool, but drop me a line to let me know how it goes or give a link to my blog and original post :-) -x-

My sex revolution...is on hold.

"There once was a little sausage called Baldrick..."

This is how my boyfriend suggested I started my blog today and I suppose that speaks volumes about where my head is at in terms of writing. Faced with a blank page I honestly couldn't think where to start or what to put down.

It's not that I'm suffering a bout of writers block. On the contrary, I was up last night until 1am furiously scribbling down amazing, revolutionary sex feature ideas and potential topics for my column. Turning my brain off and managing to fall asleep took real effort. Not even my favourite method of, er, a bit of quality "me time", was able to send me to the land of nod.

Anyway, this morning although I felt a bit bleary eyed, I was ready to go. I was ready to take on my next load of sex features and had plenty of new ones I was ready to pitch. Sex world, prepare yourself for a revolution and my fingers are itching to write it!

The problem though is that freelancing, pitching and getting commissioned takes time. A lot of time.

*Sigh*

Granted, this isn't news to me, I'm just feeling all enthusiastic and like I've got a lot to say, but no where to put it at the moment. Think this was mostly spurred on last week when I met a lot of interesting, sex industry related people. Writers, kinksters, swingers, mag editors. I'm just feeling "meh" today because I want EVERYTHING to happen now.

Guess I'm just having one of those days where creativity and patience refuse to go hand in hand.

Further [sex] Reading

It's funny how a series of events all come along at once, that are so perfectly linked. Following on from my last blog post, Sex Education, I've come across a couple of other articles and events that tie into it nicely and further highlight the importance of writing sex right.

The day after my original post I attended a Critical Sexology talk held at Queen Mary University, London. The theme of the lecture was Sex and Pedagogy. Unfortunately, I was only able to stay for the first two speakers as other deadlines and work commitments meant I couldn't go for the whole afternoon.

The first talk was titled, “More than Words? Erotica, Sex Education and Responsibility: How Adult Media Can Provide Adult Advice” Massively interesting; in brief it discussed how far do the materials adults use for sexual satisfaction (erotica, porn, magazines), and in some cases inspiration, need to include particular messages to promote greater sexual awareness and how can it be used positively to further adults sexual education. Although I haven't got access to the lecture, the chair of the event was tweeting, so you can get a fair idea here and I strongly encourage you to take a look and have a read.

The second talk was at the other end of the spectrum and looked at how sex education is received by young people. Again, all the tweet links are here so you can look into it. What struck me about this talk was a model sex educator Jen Hazel, was putting out there that in the UK we still teach sex ed on quite an archaic model working on the basis of what's considered "normal" and what's "other". For example, being heterosexual is "normal", therefore most sex ed for young people will be taught from this p.o.v. Other sexualities such as gay, bi, asexual may be touched on, but would fall under the "other" category.

What Hazel suggests is finding a common starting ground for sex, something that everyone will at some point experience and then branching out the education to fulfil the needs of the audience you're dealing with. She called it an 'Inclusive Pedagogy' - I think from what I remember - and means that you start with shared experiences and then work outwards to cover all angles. I'm doing a really bad job of explaining this so briefly, but I don't want this post to get bogged down with me regurgitating the whole lecture. Seriously, read the Tweets.

Ok, so this then links in with another blog article I came across and about how in the media we're still getting it so wrong and looking at furthering our sex education in a sensationalist manner, rather than a positive or practical one. Rewriting The Rules discusses how we're still framing important debates around sex and sexuality in a very narrow minded manner and asking the wrong questions.

Finally, if this has in any way tickled your fancy and you're starting to question whether the sex ed you're reading is good for you or not, or you're a writer in the media and concerned that you're not doing sex writing justice, there are a couple of upcoming events you may enjoy/benefit from.

The first is Eroticon 2013. This is all about 'writing sex right' and ideal for anyone from amateur sex bloggers to sex researchers and professional authors. Short notice, but it's taking place this weekend (March 2-3) in London.

The second is another, new, lecture evening on March 17th called 'Birds, Bees, Please' and has been organised by adult performer Johnny Anglais. I urge you to find it on FB by doing a quick search of the title as it's set to be a really interesting evening of sex positive talks from professionals across the sex industry.

Phew, right, I think that's it. Hope you find some of this useful. I certainly have and am only just realising how much of a questionable impact some of the material out there is having on the sexual progression of adults. Sex ed certainly DOES NOT end at high school.

Sex Education

I'm a great believer that sex education doesn't stop when you leave school. Biology, sociology or personal development - if that's what they're calling it these days - can teach a lot of the basics, but it's not until you're a consenting adult and actually putting sex into practise that you really get to grasp the whole 'what goes where?' and 'what happens if?...Oh, that's happens, right'. Not to mention the intricacies of sexual relationships; the workings of those are often more complicated than the act itself. There's just some stuff that you can't learn in a classroom, or you definitely wouldn't want to hear from a teacher. 

Having said that, even when you've been doing it for years, practise still doesn't make perfect. Many couples, myself and my relationship included, look to more adult teachers, professional sex educators and what we read in books, online, in magazines and newspapers. Inspiration is everywhere, but what if what we're reading is an archaic message and is actually doing more damage than good to our sexual relationships?

What really spurred this post was a great column by Tracey Cox, titled 'He can't tell if you're faking it after all! Tracey Cox bursts eight bedroom myths.' What I really enjoyed about this article was it's honesty that sex has moved on. By her own admission she writes, 'I've written a lot of sex books over the years and given a lot of advice. Most of it, I still standby 20 years on. But there's been an enormous amount of research into sex since I started out and we understand more about our sexual systems and responses now, than we ever have. This means original theories need to be reconsidered - and maybe completely rethought.'

Tracey then goes on to critique and correct dated theories and sex advice - like how to tell if your wife or girlfriend has come, or how much time we should spend having sex - that is still 'doled out' constantly, I assume she means mainly by the media. At least that's how I would read it.

It's refreshing to hear a 'sexpert', for lack of a better word, admit all this. For a long time I've thought there are still so many outlets that preach and regurgitate old advice, because it's safe and unimposing on readers. All they do is try to find a slightly different slant on it, usually by throwing an extra taboo word in there, or more recently, just adding handcuffs and a whip seems to be the order of the day. 

How we do 'it', who and how we form relationships with sexual partners and the acts we perform with them are constantly changing and so should the adult sex education messages that these platforms present to us. I just wonder if they should be a bit more careful in what they put out and that they take on board the changing attitudes both men and women have towards sex.

One magazine hasn't really changed their message in their long old history of publication. I know this from having read every sex article published (hurrah British Library) and still their message is the same: know how to please your man. "Fuck fun, fuck your pleasure - oh, no, wait, we can't say that, because women are actually admitting they like sex these days - ok in that case, yay to female pleasure, but it still has to be the passenger during this ride."

It actually scares and angers me that there's still such a desperation to understand men and how sex works for them that, actually, we're forgetting about our own pleasure, or we have to come up with tactics in order to really get what we want. How in any way is this promoting sex positively, or encouraging couples to explore new things, or tackle obstacles they may be having? Personally, I think it instills a sense of fear and pressure.

At this point the best sex tip I can offer is to just ask him for it. You might not get it straight away, but hey, least you put it out there.

It's not just magazines that deliver mixed sex ed messages, it's sex manuals as well. Imparting advice they think is wise, but actually end up preaching in a manner that can leave readers with more of a feeling that their sex life is inadequate.

There's an endless number of these 'Improve Your Sex Life NOW', type titles out there, I have a dick load of them on my own personal shelf. Not all of them are bad, some are actually really interesting, well thought out, up to date in their advice and research, practical and inspiring. Often if I'm considering trying something new, my books are where I go to learn.

At the moment, if you're interested, I'm reading a great book called How To Be Kinkier, which has opened my eyes to the dynamics of Dom/sub relationships, all they entail and how to approach more sensitive kink practises. There's also loads of really fast tips and ideas throughout the book. I'm actually learning something and extending my understanding in an area of sex that's previously been unfamiliar to me. Hell, at the end of it, I might even try some of it.

Anyway, I digress, this isn't a book review, I just wanted to give an example of a text that is well written, informative and sexually thought provoking. I want to make it clear that I'm not hating on all sex manuals, but I do fear that a lot of these books all look and sound very similar. They suggest similar tactics from cover to cover:

• Do something different, dress up sexy and do a strip tease for your lover.
• Reignite that flame by trying out some roleplay and living out your naughtiest fantasies.
• Missionary is so last season. Instead try throwing her over your shoulder while you lick her from behind, kiss her neck and play with her nipples, but you must keep telling her how much you love her to reassure her and affirm your feelings while you're in such an intimate position.

Fuck off.

The above is a generalisation, but if you've read even a handful, you'll know what I'm getting at. Usually, they're written by people that don't work in the sex industry, aren't themselves educated in sex and adult relationships and are just jumping on a Sex And The City style bandwagon thinking that anyone under the sun can write good sex.

they can't. Some of the suggestions are wholly ridiculous and impractical to the point that no one is ever going to try them, but the problem is that sex writers/educators are so pressured to reinvent sex in more exciting ways to keep it "new" that it ends up going down the impossible route, just to try and make it more interesting and give it that edge.

I know this, because I've been there. Don't worry, the hypocrisy of some of this isn't lost on me, having written a sex advice feature or two of my own. I know how exciting it is to be able to suggest something amazingly, wildly, animalistically new, but know really that less than 1 percent of my readers will ever actually try it.

However, I write these things, other sex writers that are much better versed that I write these things and for the readers they're left with a whole heap of ideas that they'll probably never implement in their actual sex lives and will leave them wondering if they're having good sex at all because they can't practically do these thing, or if they're "doing it right" compared to everyone else.

I'm of the opinion that even though there is so much information out there, and we're better versed on sex research than we ever have been before, that actually we don't know what to do with it? We're adding pressure and stress to ourselves for fear of missing out on "good sex". The sex education we sought out to help us is actually hindering our pleasure, as we try to orgasm while in impossible positions, or withstand a flogging because we read it in a book and it's "kinky fun".

There certainly is a place for all of the books, reports, stories, news articles and research and they should play a part in furthering our sex education. However, it shouldn't form the basis, or be read as gospel, for your sex life. Take or leave whatever works for you and your partner, use it as a starting point for further inspiration. Bottom line is the best way to learn is from each other. Everything else is just an added extra.       

Boss's Annual Review

There's something worth celebrating this month: my business, 'Straight Out Of Crompton', is a year old!

Officially I've been self-employed as a freelance journalist for a whole year. How exciting, especially because I can count myself as one of the 200,000 that registered as self-employed in 2011/2012 and said a big "Fuck You" to the system and recession. That's as far as I can relate to the stats though, as I definitely don't fall into the age bracket they're talking about...nor do I look it! (Yeah, I know you were thinking it.)

To celebrate the 1 year anniversary I had an extra glass of red wine at the end of the day. Unfortunately the boss said I couldn't bring cake into the (home) office for fear of getting sticky fingers and making a mess of my laptop keyboard. She tells me that even though 2013 so far has been a productive year, company funds are still not able to support the costs of technical repair work should anything go wrong with the laptop due to cake damage.

Really though, I set this blog up as a place to document how easy or hard it would be to go it alone in business, or more specifically journalism, because to be honest the other job options and lack there of that were presenting themselves left me feeling little more than despair.

So, a year on and am I better off? Yes, mentally I think I am. Panic attacks and the dread of getting out of bed to go to a job that seriously sucked arse are signs of days long gone. I actually enjoy getting up at 7:30am, putting on the coffee and sitting down to my desk. I feel, dare I say, "professional".

Oh, wait, you meant better off in a monetary way? Well, all I'll say is it's probably best to wait another year before you talk to my accountant about how profitable it is to be a freelance journalist.

I do seem to be getting better with this whole getting work = more money thing though. All I'm saying is bollocks to any superstition about 2013 being the year of bad luck, because so far I've managed to score two new monthly commissions - one of which sees me getting my own column, so I can properly call myself a columnist which is mega exciting and professional - and I have on my plate the chance of four regular days work that will pay me an annual salary and progress my skill set in journalistic techniques I've so far not touched!

This is good, stuff is coming together, so I suppose what I'm trying to say to any HMV workers out there that may be reading this, is that perhaps taking the jump, going self-employed and picking to do something you love isn't so scary after all.

A year on and I'm not living off just beans on toast. Result.
-x-

Notebooks. No, not the gizmoey kind.

As a journalist it is imperative that you always have a notebook to hand. You never know when that amazing, rare brainwave for an awesome feature might hit, or that big news breaking story that will propel you into the stratosphere of media fantasticness. I am still waiting for both of these things to happen on a regular basis, which is why I have several notebooks strategically positioned so I'm prepared at any given moment.

Thinking about it, I do have a lot of notebooks, but each one has a different role and I use it for a different purpose. They are as follows:

• Handbag notebook - for shopping lists or jotting down notes when out.
• By the bed notebook - for quickly writing down randomly brilliant ideas I have when half asleep in bed, or when I wake up in the morning.
• On the desk list notebook - this little fellow is an A5 size pad and is simply used for making my 'list of the day' or taking notes when I'm on the phone. This notebook did actually used to be my autograph notebook and contains the signatures of Simon Pegg, Jessica Haynes (then Stevenson) and Edgar Wright. For this reason it's very valuable, but I went through a severe dry patch of meeting celebs and so now it's a list notebook.
• Feature pad - possibly the most important of all. A4, lined note pad, upon which I plan, sketch, jot out, draft all of my features/writings so I have some physical sense of what I'm actually doing/writing about.
• My diary - yes, I do keep a physical paper diary and have done ever since I was a child. This is obviously the most important of all my notebooks.

So, as you can see, that's quite a few. Probably a good thing that the boyfriend's family bought me five new ones for Christmas.

There was a time when I only ever had one notebook, which was my diary. I'd write in it everyday, but then I guess life starts to demand more and more so keeping order of it all invariably means adding to the clan. Understandably, you wouldn't want to pen your inner most thoughts next to a list of groceries. Sort of detracts from the importance of it really.

Anyway, between these many notebooks I somehow manage to organise myself and it's funny how it's gone from that one diary, in which I used to organise my thoughts, to being sprawled out everywhere.

There was a time when I only had one Internet, computer, social profile too. I think the first ever one I signed up to was on Freeserve chat. Is Freeserve still even a company? Well, whatever, in order to organise my online life now, I have Twitter, Facebook, Blogger (thanks for stopping by, by the way), two email addresses so an MSN identity too, Gmail or GooglePlus account, I believe I have a LinkedIn as well but I'll be damned if I know how to figure that out and I haven't even got round to understanding what Pintrest is. However, for me, more recently I have started to jot in a new electronic notebook:

http://www.rosemcrompton.com

That's right, I now have my own freakin' website with my name in it.

Now, you may be thinking, "what point are you trying to make here Rose?" Well, it's a simple one: on scale I think it's safe to say that in comparison to how I spread myself all over the Internet, it makes my crazy obsession with notebooks look pretty damn tame. Also, I just really needed to get a post in here bigging up http://www.rosemcrompton.com and this seemed like the simplest way to do it.

If you feel duped, I'm sorry. When I first thought of doing this post there was some profound connection I made and thought, "shit yeah! That'll make for a really poignant post and be a great way to tell people about my new portfolio site http://www.rosemcrompton.com "

I've slept, twice, since I had that original idea though. Sorry. But, hey, you know. All's not lost! At least now you know about my site, right?

Rose -x-
  

4 Crap Holiday Truths (because there always has to be a downside)

1. Pre-holiday cleaning
Despite the fact you're going away for a week or two, the urge to clean your house before you leave is overwhelming. As if you don't have enough to sort out already. The reasoning behind this is beyond me, but it's undeniable that as you pack up your things the need to leave the house spotless even though you're not going to be living in it for a fortnight and therefore can't enjoy the fruits of your labour, is a pre-holiday duty that's hard to leave off the 'to-do list'. By the time you get home the dust bunnies will have returned again anyway.

2. Be a fashion disaster
Again, this is a pre-holiday bug-bear that can cause all sorts of strife, but it's fact that the week before you go away your clothing options are cut by 90 percent because you need to keep everything clean for when you go away. "Oh, I can't wear that because it means I'll have to wash it again before holiday." This means that public social engagements prior departure must be limited so you don't have to showcase the dregs of your wardrobe.

3. Not wearing socks
Being away on holiday in a hot climate means that socks can firmly remain in the draw. This is a good thing and not what makes it a crap holiday aspect; it's the fact that you get to loving not wearing socks as you don your sandals and flip-flops around the beach resort. Gone is the sweaty foot problem and your feet actually get to feel sand and the air, so they look less ugly.

The problem arises when you come home and have to slip back into your boots and trainers. Once again socks are needed so you resign yourself to wearing them, which in turn means washing them, which in turn means pairing them and we all know that is one of the most boring jobs in the world.

4. Printing photos
While you're away you get to experience tons of amazing things that you never get to try at home, so the urgency to capture every event on film is paramount. The problem is when you get home and realise that you HAVE TO PRINT THEM ALL - an expensive task -, because obviously every moment on that holiday was just as important as the other.

There's no way you can say that the photo of you bungee jumping off a bridge or hugging a koala was any more life defining than the photo of you sitting in a random bar you can't remember the name of, drinking a universally loved Bacardi and Coke looking sunburnt to within an inch of your life. It would be photo descrimination not to get the latter printed too, regardless of the fact that you won't remember a thing about when, where or why it was taken when you look back at it a month later.