Usually I can't stand people finishing my sentences, but on this occasion I'd really like YOUR help with completing this one:
"During sex I love it when he..."
The aim of the game is simple, finish the above sentence by posting below on my blog, tweeting me @RoseC_Leic, hit me up on my Facebook or email me rose_m_crompton@hotmail.com with your response. Last rule is that this is open to women only. Sorry guys, I'm not doing it to be sexist.
Those of you that know me well will probably have figured out by now that this is for a feature. Well done, gold star for you! :-) It is for a sex article to appear in a top shelf mag. Don't worry, real names can be changed, or it can be left anon if you prefer so if you want to join in, but are worried about where it's being printed, then don't. I'm not out to expose anyone! If you give me a good answer that I decide to use then we can work around the name thing, no worries.
Honest, serious answers only please. This is supposed to be fun, but also give an insight into what different women enjoy during sex.
I look forward to hearing from you!
Rose -x-
Friday, 31 May 2013
Friday, 24 May 2013
The Miserable Month of May
For the last two years May has been an awful month. In 2012 I learnt we were being "kicked out" of our house, right before the Olympics. Money was scarce, stress was high and there were few places that were not rat infested shit holes that I'd actually consider living in. This year May has been rubbish because money has been scarce, my bike got nicked, there's been family sadness and the weather has seriously sucked arse, bar two days.
In conclusion: May can fuck off with itself.
If May were a person, it would be one with a seriously twisted sense of humour.
It's for the above reasons that I've not blogged in a while. Those and when I have had spare time it's been filled with work and deadlines (which is a GOOD thing). A quick update of work as I think it stands is that you can see my interview with a sex toy reviewer in the current issue of Escort magazine; there's mind blowing motorbike facts in issue 16 of Adventure Bike Rider; I'm still doing the events for www.cityplanter.co.uk (despite what the latest byline reads) and am going social media mad with @Harmonystoreuk. Seriously, give us a follow.
Will be off to escape for a little while tomorrow and kiss the Miserable Month of May goodbye up in Edinburgh, where there will be much walking and jollity...and if the forecast stays right, not a lot of rain. Huzzah! After that, normal service will resume with witty blogs, a multitude of sex toy reviews to catch up on and more pitching fun that I can shake a stick at!
Until then, lets look forward to June and what will hopefully be a much more positive month.
In conclusion: May can fuck off with itself.
If May were a person, it would be one with a seriously twisted sense of humour.
It's for the above reasons that I've not blogged in a while. Those and when I have had spare time it's been filled with work and deadlines (which is a GOOD thing). A quick update of work as I think it stands is that you can see my interview with a sex toy reviewer in the current issue of Escort magazine; there's mind blowing motorbike facts in issue 16 of Adventure Bike Rider; I'm still doing the events for www.cityplanter.co.uk (despite what the latest byline reads) and am going social media mad with @Harmonystoreuk. Seriously, give us a follow.
Will be off to escape for a little while tomorrow and kiss the Miserable Month of May goodbye up in Edinburgh, where there will be much walking and jollity...and if the forecast stays right, not a lot of rain. Huzzah! After that, normal service will resume with witty blogs, a multitude of sex toy reviews to catch up on and more pitching fun that I can shake a stick at!
Until then, lets look forward to June and what will hopefully be a much more positive month.
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
An Idea. (You can have this one for free.)
Recently the boyfriend and I celebrated the anniversary of when our relationship began. Aww, sweet, I know. We went for dinner. It was lovely and romantic, but it's not dinner I want to talk about; it's presents.
You see, the chap and I have this genius and fun way of doing anniversary gifts that a) keeps the cost down, b) means you don't have to spend hours trawling the shops umming and ahhing about whether something is "right" or not c) it's a lot more fun than just getting them any old cliched gift. We've been doing it for three years, so it's been tried and tested to assure it works, and now I'd like to share it with you.
The game is this: first you both need to agree on a budget. Maybe you'd like to put this into perspective in relation to how long you've been together? For example, in our first year we only agreed to spend a fiver on each other. Well, we had only been together for a year and not that we were wanting to be cynical or anything, but if we had split up I wouldn't be so narked off at having only spent £5 on him.
I don't understand those couples that celebrate three or six month anniversaries and spend hundreds of pounds on each other in order to prove and/or declare their love. Next thing you know, two months later the relationship has fallen apart and people are demanding to have stuff back.
"Well, I spent a trillion pounds on the two and three-quarter week anniversary gift I got you and now I want it back!"
Slight exaggeration there, but you get the picture. Quite why a soon-to-be ex would want the gifts back I don't know. Spite? To regift? Anyway, agreeing a lower budget when you first start out takes all this crap away and then you can obviously increase it year on year.
Like I said, we started with no more than a fiver on each other. Three years down the line we're up to only £15 on gifts. Not only does this mean we're not spending a stupid amount of money on each other, but it means that the money we do earn/save can go towards a nicer, shared experience instead. Often we spend it on an exceptionally fancy dinner and a good bottle of wine in a restaurant we wouldn't usually be able to afford to go to. Much more practical.
The other rule with the money thing is that under no circumstances are you allowed to go over budget. You can go under budget, but if you go even a penny or two over then shame on you, you ruined the challenge. This leads me nicely onto the second part of the game...
Pick a shop/store/website/goods outlet that reflects your budget. There's no point saying you only have a fiver to spend and deciding it has to be something from Selfridges. That's chuffing stupid. After all, it is your anniversary, so you want to get something at least a little bit decent, not just any old tat.
For example, for our first year celebrations we picked Argos as our shop of choice. A fiver can go a long way there, so it seemed like a sensible outlet and there's lots to choose from. I got a frozen beer cooler jacket (I drink a lot of beer) and he got a bedside lamp (he needed a lamp). Granted, they're not the most romantic gifts, but that's sort of the point as well; it forces you to put a little bit more thought into what you think you're partner will appreciate, but takes away the bullshit of going over the top. It also makes for a good conversation point and can be stupidly funny.
Since then we've done £10 from Amazon and £15 from Camden Market - the main market by the station, not the whole town as a market. Next year we're doing £20 and it has to be something from a charity shop (any charity shop in London), which should be interesting as it will be so pot luck as to what's in there!
So, there you have it. A sure-fire way to add a fun, interesting and true element of surprise when it comes to buying anniversary gifts. No more tacky, 'romantic' From Me To You bear gifts around here.
Enjoy,
Rose -x-
If you choose to use/repost this idea, that's cool, but drop me a line to let me know how it goes or give a link to my blog and original post :-) -x-
You see, the chap and I have this genius and fun way of doing anniversary gifts that a) keeps the cost down, b) means you don't have to spend hours trawling the shops umming and ahhing about whether something is "right" or not c) it's a lot more fun than just getting them any old cliched gift. We've been doing it for three years, so it's been tried and tested to assure it works, and now I'd like to share it with you.
The game is this: first you both need to agree on a budget. Maybe you'd like to put this into perspective in relation to how long you've been together? For example, in our first year we only agreed to spend a fiver on each other. Well, we had only been together for a year and not that we were wanting to be cynical or anything, but if we had split up I wouldn't be so narked off at having only spent £5 on him.
I don't understand those couples that celebrate three or six month anniversaries and spend hundreds of pounds on each other in order to prove and/or declare their love. Next thing you know, two months later the relationship has fallen apart and people are demanding to have stuff back.
"Well, I spent a trillion pounds on the two and three-quarter week anniversary gift I got you and now I want it back!"
Slight exaggeration there, but you get the picture. Quite why a soon-to-be ex would want the gifts back I don't know. Spite? To regift? Anyway, agreeing a lower budget when you first start out takes all this crap away and then you can obviously increase it year on year.
Like I said, we started with no more than a fiver on each other. Three years down the line we're up to only £15 on gifts. Not only does this mean we're not spending a stupid amount of money on each other, but it means that the money we do earn/save can go towards a nicer, shared experience instead. Often we spend it on an exceptionally fancy dinner and a good bottle of wine in a restaurant we wouldn't usually be able to afford to go to. Much more practical.
The other rule with the money thing is that under no circumstances are you allowed to go over budget. You can go under budget, but if you go even a penny or two over then shame on you, you ruined the challenge. This leads me nicely onto the second part of the game...
Pick a shop/store/website/goods outlet that reflects your budget. There's no point saying you only have a fiver to spend and deciding it has to be something from Selfridges. That's chuffing stupid. After all, it is your anniversary, so you want to get something at least a little bit decent, not just any old tat.
For example, for our first year celebrations we picked Argos as our shop of choice. A fiver can go a long way there, so it seemed like a sensible outlet and there's lots to choose from. I got a frozen beer cooler jacket (I drink a lot of beer) and he got a bedside lamp (he needed a lamp). Granted, they're not the most romantic gifts, but that's sort of the point as well; it forces you to put a little bit more thought into what you think you're partner will appreciate, but takes away the bullshit of going over the top. It also makes for a good conversation point and can be stupidly funny.
Since then we've done £10 from Amazon and £15 from Camden Market - the main market by the station, not the whole town as a market. Next year we're doing £20 and it has to be something from a charity shop (any charity shop in London), which should be interesting as it will be so pot luck as to what's in there!
So, there you have it. A sure-fire way to add a fun, interesting and true element of surprise when it comes to buying anniversary gifts. No more tacky, 'romantic' From Me To You bear gifts around here.
Enjoy,
Rose -x-
If you choose to use/repost this idea, that's cool, but drop me a line to let me know how it goes or give a link to my blog and original post :-) -x-
Monday, 11 March 2013
My sex revolution...is on hold.
"There once was a little sausage called Baldrick..."
This is how my boyfriend suggested I started my blog today and I suppose that speaks volumes about where my head is at in terms of writing. Faced with a blank page I honestly couldn't think where to start or what to put down.
It's not that I'm suffering a bout of writers block. On the contrary, I was up last night until 1am furiously scribbling down amazing, revolutionary sex feature ideas and potential topics for my column. Turning my brain off and managing to fall asleep took real effort. Not even my favourite method of, er, a bit of quality "me time", was able to send me to the land of nod.
Anyway, this morning although I felt a bit bleary eyed, I was ready to go. I was ready to take on my next load of sex features and had plenty of new ones I was ready to pitch. Sex world, prepare yourself for a revolution and my fingers are itching to write it!
The problem though is that freelancing, pitching and getting commissioned takes time. A lot of time.
*Sigh*
Granted, this isn't news to me, I'm just feeling all enthusiastic and like I've got a lot to say, but no where to put it at the moment. Think this was mostly spurred on last week when I met a lot of interesting, sex industry related people. Writers, kinksters, swingers, mag editors. I'm just feeling "meh" today because I want EVERYTHING to happen now.
Guess I'm just having one of those days where creativity and patience refuse to go hand in hand.
This is how my boyfriend suggested I started my blog today and I suppose that speaks volumes about where my head is at in terms of writing. Faced with a blank page I honestly couldn't think where to start or what to put down.
It's not that I'm suffering a bout of writers block. On the contrary, I was up last night until 1am furiously scribbling down amazing, revolutionary sex feature ideas and potential topics for my column. Turning my brain off and managing to fall asleep took real effort. Not even my favourite method of, er, a bit of quality "me time", was able to send me to the land of nod.
Anyway, this morning although I felt a bit bleary eyed, I was ready to go. I was ready to take on my next load of sex features and had plenty of new ones I was ready to pitch. Sex world, prepare yourself for a revolution and my fingers are itching to write it!
The problem though is that freelancing, pitching and getting commissioned takes time. A lot of time.
*Sigh*
Granted, this isn't news to me, I'm just feeling all enthusiastic and like I've got a lot to say, but no where to put it at the moment. Think this was mostly spurred on last week when I met a lot of interesting, sex industry related people. Writers, kinksters, swingers, mag editors. I'm just feeling "meh" today because I want EVERYTHING to happen now.
Guess I'm just having one of those days where creativity and patience refuse to go hand in hand.
Tuesday, 26 February 2013
Further [sex] Reading
It's funny how a series of events all come along at once, that are so perfectly linked. Following on from my last blog post, Sex Education, I've come across a couple of other articles and events that tie into it nicely and further highlight the importance of writing sex right.
The day after my original post I attended a Critical Sexology talk held at Queen Mary University, London. The theme of the lecture was Sex and Pedagogy. Unfortunately, I was only able to stay for the first two speakers as other deadlines and work commitments meant I couldn't go for the whole afternoon.
The first talk was titled, “More than Words? Erotica, Sex Education and Responsibility: How Adult Media Can Provide Adult Advice” Massively interesting; in brief it discussed how far do the materials adults use for sexual satisfaction (erotica, porn, magazines), and in some cases inspiration, need to include particular messages to promote greater sexual awareness and how can it be used positively to further adults sexual education. Although I haven't got access to the lecture, the chair of the event was tweeting, so you can get a fair idea here and I strongly encourage you to take a look and have a read.
The second talk was at the other end of the spectrum and looked at how sex education is received by young people. Again, all the tweet links are here so you can look into it. What struck me about this talk was a model sex educator Jen Hazel, was putting out there that in the UK we still teach sex ed on quite an archaic model working on the basis of what's considered "normal" and what's "other". For example, being heterosexual is "normal", therefore most sex ed for young people will be taught from this p.o.v. Other sexualities such as gay, bi, asexual may be touched on, but would fall under the "other" category.
What Hazel suggests is finding a common starting ground for sex, something that everyone will at some point experience and then branching out the education to fulfil the needs of the audience you're dealing with. She called it an 'Inclusive Pedagogy' - I think from what I remember - and means that you start with shared experiences and then work outwards to cover all angles. I'm doing a really bad job of explaining this so briefly, but I don't want this post to get bogged down with me regurgitating the whole lecture. Seriously, read the Tweets.
Ok, so this then links in with another blog article I came across and about how in the media we're still getting it so wrong and looking at furthering our sex education in a sensationalist manner, rather than a positive or practical one. Rewriting The Rules discusses how we're still framing important debates around sex and sexuality in a very narrow minded manner and asking the wrong questions.
Finally, if this has in any way tickled your fancy and you're starting to question whether the sex ed you're reading is good for you or not, or you're a writer in the media and concerned that you're not doing sex writing justice, there are a couple of upcoming events you may enjoy/benefit from.
The first is Eroticon 2013. This is all about 'writing sex right' and ideal for anyone from amateur sex bloggers to sex researchers and professional authors. Short notice, but it's taking place this weekend (March 2-3) in London.
The second is another, new, lecture evening on March 17th called 'Birds, Bees, Please' and has been organised by adult performer Johnny Anglais. I urge you to find it on FB by doing a quick search of the title as it's set to be a really interesting evening of sex positive talks from professionals across the sex industry.
Phew, right, I think that's it. Hope you find some of this useful. I certainly have and am only just realising how much of a questionable impact some of the material out there is having on the sexual progression of adults. Sex ed certainly DOES NOT end at high school.
The day after my original post I attended a Critical Sexology talk held at Queen Mary University, London. The theme of the lecture was Sex and Pedagogy. Unfortunately, I was only able to stay for the first two speakers as other deadlines and work commitments meant I couldn't go for the whole afternoon.
The first talk was titled, “More than Words? Erotica, Sex Education and Responsibility: How Adult Media Can Provide Adult Advice” Massively interesting; in brief it discussed how far do the materials adults use for sexual satisfaction (erotica, porn, magazines), and in some cases inspiration, need to include particular messages to promote greater sexual awareness and how can it be used positively to further adults sexual education. Although I haven't got access to the lecture, the chair of the event was tweeting, so you can get a fair idea here and I strongly encourage you to take a look and have a read.
The second talk was at the other end of the spectrum and looked at how sex education is received by young people. Again, all the tweet links are here so you can look into it. What struck me about this talk was a model sex educator Jen Hazel, was putting out there that in the UK we still teach sex ed on quite an archaic model working on the basis of what's considered "normal" and what's "other". For example, being heterosexual is "normal", therefore most sex ed for young people will be taught from this p.o.v. Other sexualities such as gay, bi, asexual may be touched on, but would fall under the "other" category.
What Hazel suggests is finding a common starting ground for sex, something that everyone will at some point experience and then branching out the education to fulfil the needs of the audience you're dealing with. She called it an 'Inclusive Pedagogy' - I think from what I remember - and means that you start with shared experiences and then work outwards to cover all angles. I'm doing a really bad job of explaining this so briefly, but I don't want this post to get bogged down with me regurgitating the whole lecture. Seriously, read the Tweets.
Ok, so this then links in with another blog article I came across and about how in the media we're still getting it so wrong and looking at furthering our sex education in a sensationalist manner, rather than a positive or practical one. Rewriting The Rules discusses how we're still framing important debates around sex and sexuality in a very narrow minded manner and asking the wrong questions.
Finally, if this has in any way tickled your fancy and you're starting to question whether the sex ed you're reading is good for you or not, or you're a writer in the media and concerned that you're not doing sex writing justice, there are a couple of upcoming events you may enjoy/benefit from.
The first is Eroticon 2013. This is all about 'writing sex right' and ideal for anyone from amateur sex bloggers to sex researchers and professional authors. Short notice, but it's taking place this weekend (March 2-3) in London.
The second is another, new, lecture evening on March 17th called 'Birds, Bees, Please' and has been organised by adult performer Johnny Anglais. I urge you to find it on FB by doing a quick search of the title as it's set to be a really interesting evening of sex positive talks from professionals across the sex industry.
Phew, right, I think that's it. Hope you find some of this useful. I certainly have and am only just realising how much of a questionable impact some of the material out there is having on the sexual progression of adults. Sex ed certainly DOES NOT end at high school.
Thursday, 21 February 2013
Sex Education
I'm a great believer that sex education doesn't stop when you leave school. Biology, sociology or personal development - if that's what they're calling it these days - can teach a lot of the basics, but it's not until you're a consenting adult and actually putting sex into practise that you really get to grasp the whole 'what goes where?' and 'what happens if?...Oh, that's happens, right'. Not to mention the intricacies of sexual relationships; the workings of those are often more complicated than the act itself. There's just some stuff that you can't learn in a classroom, or you definitely wouldn't want to hear from a teacher.
Having said that, even when you've been doing it for years, practise still doesn't make perfect. Many couples, myself and my relationship included, look to more adult teachers, professional sex educators and what we read in books, online, in magazines and newspapers. Inspiration is everywhere, but what if what we're reading is an archaic message and is actually doing more damage than good to our sexual relationships?
What really spurred this post was a great column by Tracey Cox, titled 'He can't tell if you're faking it after all! Tracey Cox bursts eight bedroom myths.' What I really enjoyed about this article was it's honesty that sex has moved on. By her own admission she writes, 'I've written a lot of sex books over the years and given a lot of advice. Most of it, I still standby 20 years on. But there's been an enormous amount of research into sex since I started out and we understand more about our sexual systems and responses now, than we ever have. This means original theories need to be reconsidered - and maybe completely rethought.'
Tracey then goes on to critique and correct dated theories and sex advice - like how to tell if your wife or girlfriend has come, or how much time we should spend having sex - that is still 'doled out' constantly, I assume she means mainly by the media. At least that's how I would read it.
It's refreshing to hear a 'sexpert', for lack of a better word, admit all this. For a long time I've thought there are still so many outlets that preach and regurgitate old advice, because it's safe and unimposing on readers. All they do is try to find a slightly different slant on it, usually by throwing an extra taboo word in there, or more recently, just adding handcuffs and a whip seems to be the order of the day.
How we do 'it', who and how we form relationships with sexual partners and the acts we perform with them are constantly changing and so should the adult sex education messages that these platforms present to us. I just wonder if they should be a bit more careful in what they put out and that they take on board the changing attitudes both men and women have towards sex.
One magazine hasn't really changed their message in their long old history of publication. I know this from having read every sex article published (hurrah British Library) and still their message is the same: know how to please your man. "Fuck fun, fuck your pleasure - oh, no, wait, we can't say that, because women are actually admitting they like sex these days - ok in that case, yay to female pleasure, but it still has to be the passenger during this ride."
It actually scares and angers me that there's still such a desperation to understand men and how sex works for them that, actually, we're forgetting about our own pleasure, or we have to come up with tactics in order to really get what we want. How in any way is this promoting sex positively, or encouraging couples to explore new things, or tackle obstacles they may be having? Personally, I think it instills a sense of fear and pressure.
At this point the best sex tip I can offer is to just ask him for it. You might not get it straight away, but hey, least you put it out there.
It's not just magazines that deliver mixed sex ed messages, it's sex manuals as well. Imparting advice they think is wise, but actually end up preaching in a manner that can leave readers with more of a feeling that their sex life is inadequate.
There's an endless number of these 'Improve Your Sex Life NOW', type titles out there, I have a dick load of them on my own personal shelf. Not all of them are bad, some are actually really interesting, well thought out, up to date in their advice and research, practical and inspiring. Often if I'm considering trying something new, my books are where I go to learn.
At the moment, if you're interested, I'm reading a great book called How To Be Kinkier, which has opened my eyes to the dynamics of Dom/sub relationships, all they entail and how to approach more sensitive kink practises. There's also loads of really fast tips and ideas throughout the book. I'm actually learning something and extending my understanding in an area of sex that's previously been unfamiliar to me. Hell, at the end of it, I might even try some of it.
Anyway, I digress, this isn't a book review, I just wanted to give an example of a text that is well written, informative and sexually thought provoking. I want to make it clear that I'm not hating on all sex manuals, but I do fear that a lot of these books all look and sound very similar. They suggest similar tactics from cover to cover:
The above is a generalisation, but if you've read even a handful, you'll know what I'm getting at. Usually, they're written by people that don't work in the sex industry, aren't themselves educated in sex and adult relationships and are just jumping on a Sex And The City style bandwagon thinking that anyone under the sun can write good sex.
they can't. Some of the suggestions are wholly ridiculous and impractical to the point that no one is ever going to try them, but the problem is that sex writers/educators are so pressured to reinvent sex in more exciting ways to keep it "new" that it ends up going down the impossible route, just to try and make it more interesting and give it that edge.
I know this, because I've been there. Don't worry, the hypocrisy of some of this isn't lost on me, having written a sex advice feature or two of my own. I know how exciting it is to be able to suggest something amazingly, wildly, animalistically new, but know really that less than 1 percent of my readers will ever actually try it.
However, I write these things, other sex writers that are much better versed that I write these things and for the readers they're left with a whole heap of ideas that they'll probably never implement in their actual sex lives and will leave them wondering if they're having good sex at all because they can't practically do these thing, or if they're "doing it right" compared to everyone else.
I'm of the opinion that even though there is so much information out there, and we're better versed on sex research than we ever have been before, that actually we don't know what to do with it? We're adding pressure and stress to ourselves for fear of missing out on "good sex". The sex education we sought out to help us is actually hindering our pleasure, as we try to orgasm while in impossible positions, or withstand a flogging because we read it in a book and it's "kinky fun".
There certainly is a place for all of the books, reports, stories, news articles and research and they should play a part in furthering our sex education. However, it shouldn't form the basis, or be read as gospel, for your sex life. Take or leave whatever works for you and your partner, use it as a starting point for further inspiration. Bottom line is the best way to learn is from each other. Everything else is just an added extra.
Having said that, even when you've been doing it for years, practise still doesn't make perfect. Many couples, myself and my relationship included, look to more adult teachers, professional sex educators and what we read in books, online, in magazines and newspapers. Inspiration is everywhere, but what if what we're reading is an archaic message and is actually doing more damage than good to our sexual relationships?
What really spurred this post was a great column by Tracey Cox, titled 'He can't tell if you're faking it after all! Tracey Cox bursts eight bedroom myths.' What I really enjoyed about this article was it's honesty that sex has moved on. By her own admission she writes, 'I've written a lot of sex books over the years and given a lot of advice. Most of it, I still standby 20 years on. But there's been an enormous amount of research into sex since I started out and we understand more about our sexual systems and responses now, than we ever have. This means original theories need to be reconsidered - and maybe completely rethought.'
Tracey then goes on to critique and correct dated theories and sex advice - like how to tell if your wife or girlfriend has come, or how much time we should spend having sex - that is still 'doled out' constantly, I assume she means mainly by the media. At least that's how I would read it.
It's refreshing to hear a 'sexpert', for lack of a better word, admit all this. For a long time I've thought there are still so many outlets that preach and regurgitate old advice, because it's safe and unimposing on readers. All they do is try to find a slightly different slant on it, usually by throwing an extra taboo word in there, or more recently, just adding handcuffs and a whip seems to be the order of the day.
How we do 'it', who and how we form relationships with sexual partners and the acts we perform with them are constantly changing and so should the adult sex education messages that these platforms present to us. I just wonder if they should be a bit more careful in what they put out and that they take on board the changing attitudes both men and women have towards sex.
One magazine hasn't really changed their message in their long old history of publication. I know this from having read every sex article published (hurrah British Library) and still their message is the same: know how to please your man. "Fuck fun, fuck your pleasure - oh, no, wait, we can't say that, because women are actually admitting they like sex these days - ok in that case, yay to female pleasure, but it still has to be the passenger during this ride."
It actually scares and angers me that there's still such a desperation to understand men and how sex works for them that, actually, we're forgetting about our own pleasure, or we have to come up with tactics in order to really get what we want. How in any way is this promoting sex positively, or encouraging couples to explore new things, or tackle obstacles they may be having? Personally, I think it instills a sense of fear and pressure.
At this point the best sex tip I can offer is to just ask him for it. You might not get it straight away, but hey, least you put it out there.
It's not just magazines that deliver mixed sex ed messages, it's sex manuals as well. Imparting advice they think is wise, but actually end up preaching in a manner that can leave readers with more of a feeling that their sex life is inadequate.
There's an endless number of these 'Improve Your Sex Life NOW', type titles out there, I have a dick load of them on my own personal shelf. Not all of them are bad, some are actually really interesting, well thought out, up to date in their advice and research, practical and inspiring. Often if I'm considering trying something new, my books are where I go to learn.
At the moment, if you're interested, I'm reading a great book called How To Be Kinkier, which has opened my eyes to the dynamics of Dom/sub relationships, all they entail and how to approach more sensitive kink practises. There's also loads of really fast tips and ideas throughout the book. I'm actually learning something and extending my understanding in an area of sex that's previously been unfamiliar to me. Hell, at the end of it, I might even try some of it.
Anyway, I digress, this isn't a book review, I just wanted to give an example of a text that is well written, informative and sexually thought provoking. I want to make it clear that I'm not hating on all sex manuals, but I do fear that a lot of these books all look and sound very similar. They suggest similar tactics from cover to cover:
- Do something different, dress up sexy and do a strip tease for your lover.
- Reignite that flame by trying out some roleplay and living out your naughtiest fantasies.
- Missionary is so last season. Instead try throwing her over your shoulder while you lick her from behind, kiss her neck and play with her nipples, but you must keep telling her how much you love her to reassure her and affirm your feelings while you're in such an intimate position.
The above is a generalisation, but if you've read even a handful, you'll know what I'm getting at. Usually, they're written by people that don't work in the sex industry, aren't themselves educated in sex and adult relationships and are just jumping on a Sex And The City style bandwagon thinking that anyone under the sun can write good sex.
they can't. Some of the suggestions are wholly ridiculous and impractical to the point that no one is ever going to try them, but the problem is that sex writers/educators are so pressured to reinvent sex in more exciting ways to keep it "new" that it ends up going down the impossible route, just to try and make it more interesting and give it that edge.
I know this, because I've been there. Don't worry, the hypocrisy of some of this isn't lost on me, having written a sex advice feature or two of my own. I know how exciting it is to be able to suggest something amazingly, wildly, animalistically new, but know really that less than 1 percent of my readers will ever actually try it.
However, I write these things, other sex writers that are much better versed that I write these things and for the readers they're left with a whole heap of ideas that they'll probably never implement in their actual sex lives and will leave them wondering if they're having good sex at all because they can't practically do these thing, or if they're "doing it right" compared to everyone else.
I'm of the opinion that even though there is so much information out there, and we're better versed on sex research than we ever have been before, that actually we don't know what to do with it? We're adding pressure and stress to ourselves for fear of missing out on "good sex". The sex education we sought out to help us is actually hindering our pleasure, as we try to orgasm while in impossible positions, or withstand a flogging because we read it in a book and it's "kinky fun".
There certainly is a place for all of the books, reports, stories, news articles and research and they should play a part in furthering our sex education. However, it shouldn't form the basis, or be read as gospel, for your sex life. Take or leave whatever works for you and your partner, use it as a starting point for further inspiration. Bottom line is the best way to learn is from each other. Everything else is just an added extra.
Sunday, 10 February 2013
Boss's Annual Review
There's something worth celebrating this month: my business, 'Straight Out Of Crompton', is a year old!
Officially I've been self-employed as a freelance journalist for a whole year. How exciting, especially because I can count myself as one of the 200,000 that registered as self-employed in 2011/2012 and said a big "Fuck You" to the system and recession. That's as far as I can relate to the stats though, as I definitely don't fall into the age bracket they're talking about...nor do I look it! (Yeah, I know you were thinking it.)
To celebrate the 1 year anniversary I had an extra glass of red wine at the end of the day. Unfortunately the boss said I couldn't bring cake into the (home) office for fear of getting sticky fingers and making a mess of my laptop keyboard. She tells me that even though 2013 so far has been a productive year, company funds are still not able to support the costs of technical repair work should anything go wrong with the laptop due to cake damage.
Really though, I set this blog up as a place to document how easy or hard it would be to go it alone in business, or more specifically journalism, because to be honest the other job options and lack there of that were presenting themselves left me feeling little more than despair.
So, a year on and am I better off? Yes, mentally I think I am. Panic attacks and the dread of getting out of bed to go to a job that seriously sucked arse are signs of days long gone. I actually enjoy getting up at 7:30am, putting on the coffee and sitting down to my desk. I feel, dare I say, "professional".
Oh, wait, you meant better off in a monetary way? Well, all I'll say is it's probably best to wait another year before you talk to my accountant about how profitable it is to be a freelance journalist.
I do seem to be getting better with this whole getting work = more money thing though. All I'm saying is bollocks to any superstition about 2013 being the year of bad luck, because so far I've managed to score two new monthly commissions - one of which sees me getting my own column, so I can properly call myself a columnist which is mega exciting and professional - and I have on my plate the chance of four regular days work that will pay me an annual salary and progress my skill set in journalistic techniques I've so far not touched!
This is good, stuff is coming together, so I suppose what I'm trying to say to any HMV workers out there that may be reading this, is that perhaps taking the jump, going self-employed and picking to do something you love isn't so scary after all.
A year on and I'm not living off just beans on toast. Result.
-x-
Officially I've been self-employed as a freelance journalist for a whole year. How exciting, especially because I can count myself as one of the 200,000 that registered as self-employed in 2011/2012 and said a big "Fuck You" to the system and recession. That's as far as I can relate to the stats though, as I definitely don't fall into the age bracket they're talking about...nor do I look it! (Yeah, I know you were thinking it.)
To celebrate the 1 year anniversary I had an extra glass of red wine at the end of the day. Unfortunately the boss said I couldn't bring cake into the (home) office for fear of getting sticky fingers and making a mess of my laptop keyboard. She tells me that even though 2013 so far has been a productive year, company funds are still not able to support the costs of technical repair work should anything go wrong with the laptop due to cake damage.
Really though, I set this blog up as a place to document how easy or hard it would be to go it alone in business, or more specifically journalism, because to be honest the other job options and lack there of that were presenting themselves left me feeling little more than despair.
So, a year on and am I better off? Yes, mentally I think I am. Panic attacks and the dread of getting out of bed to go to a job that seriously sucked arse are signs of days long gone. I actually enjoy getting up at 7:30am, putting on the coffee and sitting down to my desk. I feel, dare I say, "professional".
Oh, wait, you meant better off in a monetary way? Well, all I'll say is it's probably best to wait another year before you talk to my accountant about how profitable it is to be a freelance journalist.
I do seem to be getting better with this whole getting work = more money thing though. All I'm saying is bollocks to any superstition about 2013 being the year of bad luck, because so far I've managed to score two new monthly commissions - one of which sees me getting my own column, so I can properly call myself a columnist which is mega exciting and professional - and I have on my plate the chance of four regular days work that will pay me an annual salary and progress my skill set in journalistic techniques I've so far not touched!
This is good, stuff is coming together, so I suppose what I'm trying to say to any HMV workers out there that may be reading this, is that perhaps taking the jump, going self-employed and picking to do something you love isn't so scary after all.
A year on and I'm not living off just beans on toast. Result.
-x-
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