Sex Education

I'm a great believer that sex education doesn't stop when you leave school. Biology, sociology or personal development - if that's what they're calling it these days - can teach a lot of the basics, but it's not until you're a consenting adult and actually putting sex into practise that you really get to grasp the whole 'what goes where?' and 'what happens if?...Oh, that's happens, right'. Not to mention the intricacies of sexual relationships; the workings of those are often more complicated than the act itself. There's just some stuff that you can't learn in a classroom, or you definitely wouldn't want to hear from a teacher. 

Having said that, even when you've been doing it for years, practise still doesn't make perfect. Many couples, myself and my relationship included, look to more adult teachers, professional sex educators and what we read in books, online, in magazines and newspapers. Inspiration is everywhere, but what if what we're reading is an archaic message and is actually doing more damage than good to our sexual relationships?

What really spurred this post was a great column by Tracey Cox, titled 'He can't tell if you're faking it after all! Tracey Cox bursts eight bedroom myths.' What I really enjoyed about this article was it's honesty that sex has moved on. By her own admission she writes, 'I've written a lot of sex books over the years and given a lot of advice. Most of it, I still standby 20 years on. But there's been an enormous amount of research into sex since I started out and we understand more about our sexual systems and responses now, than we ever have. This means original theories need to be reconsidered - and maybe completely rethought.'

Tracey then goes on to critique and correct dated theories and sex advice - like how to tell if your wife or girlfriend has come, or how much time we should spend having sex - that is still 'doled out' constantly, I assume she means mainly by the media. At least that's how I would read it.

It's refreshing to hear a 'sexpert', for lack of a better word, admit all this. For a long time I've thought there are still so many outlets that preach and regurgitate old advice, because it's safe and unimposing on readers. All they do is try to find a slightly different slant on it, usually by throwing an extra taboo word in there, or more recently, just adding handcuffs and a whip seems to be the order of the day. 

How we do 'it', who and how we form relationships with sexual partners and the acts we perform with them are constantly changing and so should the adult sex education messages that these platforms present to us. I just wonder if they should be a bit more careful in what they put out and that they take on board the changing attitudes both men and women have towards sex.

One magazine hasn't really changed their message in their long old history of publication. I know this from having read every sex article published (hurrah British Library) and still their message is the same: know how to please your man. "Fuck fun, fuck your pleasure - oh, no, wait, we can't say that, because women are actually admitting they like sex these days - ok in that case, yay to female pleasure, but it still has to be the passenger during this ride."

It actually scares and angers me that there's still such a desperation to understand men and how sex works for them that, actually, we're forgetting about our own pleasure, or we have to come up with tactics in order to really get what we want. How in any way is this promoting sex positively, or encouraging couples to explore new things, or tackle obstacles they may be having? Personally, I think it instills a sense of fear and pressure.

At this point the best sex tip I can offer is to just ask him for it. You might not get it straight away, but hey, least you put it out there.

It's not just magazines that deliver mixed sex ed messages, it's sex manuals as well. Imparting advice they think is wise, but actually end up preaching in a manner that can leave readers with more of a feeling that their sex life is inadequate.

There's an endless number of these 'Improve Your Sex Life NOW', type titles out there, I have a dick load of them on my own personal shelf. Not all of them are bad, some are actually really interesting, well thought out, up to date in their advice and research, practical and inspiring. Often if I'm considering trying something new, my books are where I go to learn.

At the moment, if you're interested, I'm reading a great book called How To Be Kinkier, which has opened my eyes to the dynamics of Dom/sub relationships, all they entail and how to approach more sensitive kink practises. There's also loads of really fast tips and ideas throughout the book. I'm actually learning something and extending my understanding in an area of sex that's previously been unfamiliar to me. Hell, at the end of it, I might even try some of it.

Anyway, I digress, this isn't a book review, I just wanted to give an example of a text that is well written, informative and sexually thought provoking. I want to make it clear that I'm not hating on all sex manuals, but I do fear that a lot of these books all look and sound very similar. They suggest similar tactics from cover to cover:

• Do something different, dress up sexy and do a strip tease for your lover.
• Reignite that flame by trying out some roleplay and living out your naughtiest fantasies.
• Missionary is so last season. Instead try throwing her over your shoulder while you lick her from behind, kiss her neck and play with her nipples, but you must keep telling her how much you love her to reassure her and affirm your feelings while you're in such an intimate position.

Fuck off.

The above is a generalisation, but if you've read even a handful, you'll know what I'm getting at. Usually, they're written by people that don't work in the sex industry, aren't themselves educated in sex and adult relationships and are just jumping on a Sex And The City style bandwagon thinking that anyone under the sun can write good sex.

they can't. Some of the suggestions are wholly ridiculous and impractical to the point that no one is ever going to try them, but the problem is that sex writers/educators are so pressured to reinvent sex in more exciting ways to keep it "new" that it ends up going down the impossible route, just to try and make it more interesting and give it that edge.

I know this, because I've been there. Don't worry, the hypocrisy of some of this isn't lost on me, having written a sex advice feature or two of my own. I know how exciting it is to be able to suggest something amazingly, wildly, animalistically new, but know really that less than 1 percent of my readers will ever actually try it.

However, I write these things, other sex writers that are much better versed that I write these things and for the readers they're left with a whole heap of ideas that they'll probably never implement in their actual sex lives and will leave them wondering if they're having good sex at all because they can't practically do these thing, or if they're "doing it right" compared to everyone else.

I'm of the opinion that even though there is so much information out there, and we're better versed on sex research than we ever have been before, that actually we don't know what to do with it? We're adding pressure and stress to ourselves for fear of missing out on "good sex". The sex education we sought out to help us is actually hindering our pleasure, as we try to orgasm while in impossible positions, or withstand a flogging because we read it in a book and it's "kinky fun".

There certainly is a place for all of the books, reports, stories, news articles and research and they should play a part in furthering our sex education. However, it shouldn't form the basis, or be read as gospel, for your sex life. Take or leave whatever works for you and your partner, use it as a starting point for further inspiration. Bottom line is the best way to learn is from each other. Everything else is just an added extra.