Reading is such a novel-ty

What I wished my bedside table looked like, because I have soooo much time to read.

How do you find time to read? Because honestly, I just can't manage to do it and this frustrates me. I'm not talking about flicking through a magazine or newspaper to catch up on features, or the news. Every morning as the free press is thrust into my hand I'm able to read. Or when my phone flashes because the news app I use has decided it's got something important to tell me, I'll scan it over.

I can manage that, daily. Here I'm talking about actual reading. The kind where you sit for hours curled up quietly at one end of the sofa while the rest of the world goes about its business. That kind of reading.

During my uni days I'd be able to chew through books like they were going out of fashion. These days it's possible for me to count on one hand the number of books I can get through in the last 12 months.

Recently, I had a taste of what it felt like again to be able to sit and read uninterrupted with no other distractions. It felt good and I raced through a book in under a week that ordinarily would have taken me over a month to get through. To achieve this, I was sat for several hours a day on a warm beach, in a foreign country and without consistent access to wifi.

As well as enjoying a good book, it was also an actual pleasure to sit next to my partner, each of us enjoying our respective novels, pausing only briefly to update each other on dramatic plot points. I love being able to read in the company of my fella. It's one of a few activities where you can enjoy each others company in silence and separate, but still feel like you're doing something together.

Apart from on holiday, the only other time we get to indulge in this pastime is before bed, but 90 percent of the time I end up ruining the moment.

For a lot of people, delving into their book before bedtime is an ideal opportunity for getting through a few more pages. it's a good way to relax, unwind, everything else stops. The perfect time to read. Unfortunately for me reading at night is as good as taking a whacking great dose of Nytol. I can be out for the count within a page. Most nights I try to read, but the outcome is so predictable that it's become a running joke between me and my partner that I'm unable to manage more than a few pages before my eyes start to get heavy and the words my eyes are skirting over become a blur.

So bedtime reading is out. How about that hour long each way commute you make every. Damn. Day. Or all those train journeys you do?

Motion sickness. Five or 10 minutes in and I begin to feel like changing the colour scheme of whatever vehicle I'm riding in. It's the eyes down position and not being able to see where I'm going, so instead I glare at other commuters that are able to stick their noses in their good books to alleviate some of the anguish of the morning commute as they disappear into their fictional worlds. Lucky sods.

I'm fast resigning myself to the fact that I'm to become a weekend-only reader. A part time book fan that's destined to be excluded from all book clubs, because she can't finish a novel in the allotted time. Honestly, these are the things that worry me these days.

RoseC

This year's theme: England V Australia

Before I get into the meaty bit of this post, I need to give you some background into mine and my partner's ethnicity and interests. He's Australian and I'm British with a more specific tinge of English. We're both quite into our sports, mainly cricket and rugby. I'm sure, from just that small amount of information, you can hazard a guess as to what's coming next...

As a kid the main sports I was brought up on were cricket and rugby, with a little bit of tennis thrown in there for good measure. I remember watching The Ashes on Channel 4 and listening in on Test Match Special with my Dad; cheering on the tennis stars with my Mom; tuning in to all of the 6 Nations, Autumn Internationals and Rugby World Cups with my family to support British contenders and England teams. We can surmise that I was brought up with a healthy competitive streak and in at least two of those sports, two of the greatest rivalries happen between England and Australia.

Unless you're totally and utterly not into sports and never glance at the back pages, you'll be aware that there's a lot of England vs Australia going on now and in the next few months. Currently, in the cricket, England have just beaten Australia in The Ashes (an unexpected result!). In September, England and Australia are in the same group stage of the Rugby World Cup, along with Wales, making it easily the hardest group and is going to leave one of these three great rugby nations very upset indeed. Also in September Great Britain will play Australia in the semi finals of the Davis Cup tennis tournament. A stage that the GB team haven't reached in 34 years, so it's all to play for.

And in the midst of it all, a very competitive British girl is going to marry a very equally competitive Australian man. This sounds like a recipe for disaster, right?

In the five and a half years we've been together we've both seen each other scream, cheer, laugh and sit in grumpy silence as we've watched the highs and lows of our cricket and rugby teams, tennis and snooker players. Sport is probably the only thing that can bring us to the brink of an argument. Funny then that the fixture calender has brought around so many clashes between England and Australia right before we get hitched. Fate is a twisted bitch sometimes.

While we try to maintain a good level of banter and communicate in a civilised manner during a game - five day test matches being our limit - there is always still a more serious, unspoken desire of, 'I really hope we fuck them up and win.'

Who knows where all this anger comes from? I think it's inherently bred into Australian's to want to 'screw the Pommey bastards' and vice versa. We're not at all jealous of the fact Australian's get at least 11 months of good weather and sunshine so they can actually get outdoors and play sports to become good at them, even though cricket is a gosh darn ENGLISH GAME, but there's a certain arrogance around Australian's when it comes to sport and beating the English in particular. Like they think we're an easy target. Guess it just makes it even more satisfying when we take them down *coughASHEScough*.

Geez, what a rant. I'm going to get myself into trouble if I'm not careful. To balance the odds though, here's an actual conversation that regularly happens between me and my other half whenever England are playing anything:

HIM: God I hope England lose.
ME: Why?
HIM: Because it's England. You should lose.
ME: But we're playing [INSERT ANY OTHER NATIONALITY EVER], you're not [INSERT THAT NATIONALITY] - and we both agree that they play dirty and you never cheer for them any other time ever - but you're about to marry an English girl, so why not give us a bit of a nod?
HIM: I can't. I just can't. It feels wrong.
ME: That's not a reason.
HIM: It is.
ME: It's not...
HIM: It is.

And so the sporting argument goes on. It's totally irrational, yet at the same time this unique rivalry would not exist without one firing up the other. To be honest, if it wasn't there, I don't think either side would get as much enjoyment out of it and I don't think we'd get the most out of each other if the passion wasn't there.  

It struck me as too ironic that in the year - hell, even more specifically in the months - surrounding our wedding there are so many clashes between England and Australia. So yes, maybe with passions so high, getting married in the middle of it all could lead to someone getting kicked out of the marital bed early. But at the same time, one without the other just wouldn't work. no matter how heated, stressed or tense it became, getting stuck in wouldn't be as fun and this years "theme" is proof of how strong a bond can be, however strained at times. So maybe it'll all be alright in the end and we need to remember it is only a game...  

Gwen & Gav?! Ah, that's sad news!

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale have announced they've filed for divorce. And, as I'm only a month and a bit away from my own wedding, this news makes me feel kind of shitty.

Broadly speaking, I don't give much of a stuff when it comes to celebrity make ups and break ups. I put my lack of interest down to the fact that famous people change their partners far too often, so trying to keep up feels like a waste of time when the relationship is just a fad. While the internet was losing it's shit the other month over the break up of Ben Affleck and...[Google searches name]...Jennifer Garner with (sickening hyperbole) headlines such as 'True love is dead', I was still unsure as to when he got married? What films has Jennifer Garner been in that I've seen? And when the hell did BA split up with J-Lo?!

Ok, I jest on that last point, I'm not so out the loop, but I simply didn't care and don't care about most celeb couples ditching their other halves. Chris and Gwen, Louis and Nicloe and One Direction and Zayne, they all blinked past in a day's headline. This one though, struck a chord.

But why, Rose? WHY?! Well, I think it's a combination of things. I've been fans of both of them (musically over fashion) for years. I've had a crush on both of them for as long as I can remember and it's just kinda cool - in a totally fan girl sort of way - that these two cool famous people have got together and have managed to make it work for so long. It's not just a fad. Thirteen years they were together and they managed to avoid doing the shitty celebrity thing of forcing their relationship down everyones throats in a Kim & Kanye kind of way.

They are (or were) one of those stalwart celeb couples that even though you don't know them, you kind of think, 'Ah, Gwen and Gavin they're all together, super cool, and even though LTR's are effing hard work whether married or not, here's some extra proof that in this day and age of crazy fame and celebrity, there are still some still doing it'.

And then they're not doing it any more and it's a bit like, 'Oh'.

I'm not going all OTT dramatic. It's not like just because A couple that I don't even know have filed for divorce I've suddenly lost my faith in marriage, that would be crazy, but it's just a bit sad.

The silver lining, of course, is that these two beautiful people are now single and I literally have a wedding dress and a venue ready to go. Just sayin'. 

It's true, wedding planning turns you into an obsessive nobhead

Last week I learnt that trying to find miniature A-frame chalkboards within the UK is really difficult. In fact, I'd go as far to say it's almost impossible. I know this because I spent a total of around 15 hours (and then some) over the course of the week scouring every possible website and looks-like-they-might-sell-mini-chalkboards stores in London and I found only ONE retailer that had exactly what I was looking for.

The chalkboards are really important. They're for writing the table names on for my wedding. It's a vital part of the day, so that everyone can clearly see the name of the table. And no. I couldn't have settled for any old style, or an alternative design of chalkboard. It HAD to be this specific design, because it looks like a pub A-frame board and that's a really significant symbol for me and my husband-to-be.

Am I off my rocker? Possibly. Did I squeal with delight when I found them? Definitely. Did I almost cry when it became apparent that this single UK retailer didn't have the number of miniature A-frame chalkboards I wanted in stock in a single place and therefore had to ring round every shop in the UK, call their head office, dash across London and contact the German manufacturer to help me find the missing 2 I needed? Yes, but I did it with gritted teeth and determination, because gosh-fucking-darn-it I was not going to let those 15 hours go to waste and allow THESE PERFECT FUCKING CHALKBOARDS SLIP THROUGH MY FINGERS!

Breathe.

Once the "drama" was over, I also learnt something about myself: that I am not immune to being the typical Bride-to-Be where everything has to be just-so and I am willing to go crazy over finding exactly the right thing. I thought I was cool and calm about wedding planning, but it's funny how searching for miniature chalkboards can change that in an instant.

For you, when you're planning your wedding it might not be chalkboards, but could be flowers, wedding favours, a certain style of paper that you need for the invites because it folds correctly or holds the ink better when using that specific pen you bought for writing said invites. Whatever it is, deal with it and know that when wedding planning it's totally normal to become an obsessive nobhead over the littlest things that a week ago you didn't even know existed.

RoseC

P.S. In case A-frame chalkboards are your obsessive thing and you're wondering what these perfect mini ones look like because you need some too, then see the picture below. And here is where to buy them...although you can't actually get any at the moment, because I already bought ALL of the ones they had available. I'm not even sorry.  

 

 

Tomboys are sluts, suggests (dubious) new research

Ok, so researchers at King's College London may not have used the 's' word, but...

Tomboys, regardless of sexuality, are more promiscuous

Apparently. The study has shown that women who had tomboy tendencies when they were younger, generally have more lovers when older.

It leads me to wonder that if...

I am tomboy, therefore I slut [it up]

Warning: I am not about to offer a balanced or serious view of this 'scientific' finding and you'll quickly see why.

The 'Science'

Researchers questioned almost 500 pairs of twins (always with the twins in these studies) and asked whether they were attracted to men or women, how many lovers they'd had and about their "levels of childhood gender non-conformity".

Because, ya know, that's what we all think about when we're kids: I'm not going to fit my gender stereotype so that I *might* be more likely to fuck more people when I'm older. Pfft. 

From the study, the Kings College boffins concluded that those women with the 'tomboy gene' (I know, right, seriously, who knew we had a gene all of our own?!) had more sexual partners than those that didn't.

Results from the study suggest that the gene that causes women (gay and straight) to act in a masculine way, is the same one that causes them to be more promiscuous. Analysis showed that around 30% of a woman's sexuality is defined by her genes, while the other 70% is apparently down to lifestyle factors: peer pressure, social ideologies, conditions in the womb.

(Kinda interesting if it's true, but all sounds a bit vague.)

As long as there are hetero tomboys, there will also be lesbians

Riiiight.

I should point out at this stage that I read about this tomboys = sluts thing on the Daily Mail, so lets take this bit with a whole sack of salt. Also, I've been unable to track down the original King's College paper on the topic to see if this is true. Either way, this bit made me laugh in a WTF kinda way...

'The finding helps explain why homosexuality doesn’t die out, even though lesbian couples are not able to naturally have children carrying the genes of each partner.

This is because straight tomboys have more lovers than others – and so the ‘tomboy DNA’ stays in circulation, according to the study carried out by a team from King’s College London.'

Just let that sink in for a minute and try not to hit the palm of your hand on your forehead too hard. 

Is this serious?!

Really, I think this all sounds like a crock of shit. Unsurprisingly, there have been very few other news outlets to cover the story and it's questionable as to how seriously the scientific community will take the researchers findings. 

Compliments. They're a two-way street

I want to begin this post by telling you, my reader, that I think you are wonderful. I believe this because you have taken the time to read my blog and for that, I believe you are brilliant.

How did you react to the (very much heartfelt) compliment?

I ask this because I recently read on Buzzfeed about a 'social experiment' where the understanding of giving and accepting a compliment seems to have gone a bit awry. This made me sad and annoyed. I believe that there are few things in life (not including chocolate and sex) that will make someone feel as good as when you pay them an honest compliment, no matter how simple it is. 

"That sweater looks great on you."

"You did an excellent job."

"I just want to tell you I think you're beautiful."

"You are gorgeous."

*Wolf whistle*

Paying a compliment to someone can be such a wonderfully simple thing to do, yet leave them feeling on top of the world for the rest of the day and I hate the idea of "the art of complimenting" being abused and misused by both compliment giver (CG) and compliment receiver (CR), so I'd like to address a few things.

The compliment experiment 

Basically, in a nut-shell, a woman that received compliments from chaps online when using Twitter, Tumblr and other social media decided to stop ignoring the messages from these men, because when she did she would get called "rude" or a "bitch". 

Her reason for not responding to said messages, was because the majority of the time she didn't know the people that were paying her the compliments. Kind of fair enough.

Fed up of this abuse, she decided to respond by agreeing with the CG and acknowledging that she "does have nice eyes", or "yep" she knows she's amazing. The hope was that by doing this, she'd no longer get abuse because she's accepting the compliment and agreeing with them.

The result: the CG's began to call her "vain" and "full of herself". You can read the messages and responses here.

Knowing how to take a compliment 

Learning how to accept a compliment doesn't come easily to everyone. I totally appreciate that. Some people graciously accept what's been said. Others blush a little and try to find something equally as nice to say in response. Then there are those that totally ignore it, because they're completely thrown and believe this person must be talking out of their backside to say such a nice thing. 

In my experience, compliments work best when they're a two-way street. A compliment is given by one person and then acknowledged by the other and usually a simple "thank you" completes the transaction and everyone goes away feeling happy and satisfied.

What I think was missing from the majority of the responses in the 'social experiment' was that simple "thank you". It's one thing to acknowledge and agree with what's been said, but then it's general manners and politeness to say, "ta very much" afterwards.

And I don't want to get into the whole sexist debate here of, "Well, why should a woman be obligated to show gratitude for a compliment she didn't even ask for?", because:

a) it doesn't matter what gender you are, being polite should be common human nature and 

b) when are compliments ever asked for? That's sort of the whole point of compliments. You don't/shouldn't expect them. You can't predict them, so when you're given one it's just as much a measure of your character as CR and how you react, as it is of the CG when they give it.

I'd be interested to see how different the responses would be if more of those women that took part and accepted the compliments said "thank you" in their reply. Granted, there are a few where they did use TY's and they still got abuse, but then clearly the CG is disingenuous in their compliment and that's doing just as much of a disservice to "the art of complimenting" so their anomaly results in this experiment in my opinion.

All I'm saying, is that whenever I've been given a compliment and responded with "thank you, that's nice of you to say," or "thank you, so I've been told," I've never then been called a vain bitch straight after. (At least not to my face.)

But what about the sleazy weirdos?

Yeah, alright, I get it. Not every compliment from every person is a welcome one. Not all of them will give you that spring in your step for the rest of the day, because their compliment suggests something more, well...basically they're being pervy. 

We've all been there, we all know it happens and wish it didn't, because then you have to go through that awkward thing of accepting it, or not accepting it, or should you tweet Everyday Sexism because you're outraged that someone noticed you have nice tits and decided to tell you about it.

No, no you shouldn't tweet them is the answer because, you know what, you do have nice tits. Especially in that nice new bra you bought and it's not a crime against humanity that another person noticed it. 

Seriously though, I know what you mean, it's not ideal when this happens and the phrasing of a compliment is probably the most important element in this whole transaction, because it will dictate to some extent how the CR responds. 

However, in my opinion, even when the CG's language is crass and pretty forward, you still shouldn't be a dick about it. If they're already obviously a dick, then don't make it you're mission to be the bigger dick. A small smile, or I generally find a little tip-of-the-hat salute type thing to acknowledge it, suffices. This way it's over and done within seconds and then you can all get on with your day and no one has lost too much face.

So there we go. Only give compliments when you really mean them. Be polite when you receive them and "the art of the compliment" will continue to make us all happier, kinder people. 

RoseC x

Rose in AdultLand

Sometimes I forget that not everyone deals with sex on a daily basis like I do. Recently, I've had conversations where I've been reminded that the sexual revolution is still a work in progress. People are still catching up to the idea of sex, sex toys, watching porn, gender fluidity and sexual orientation becoming a bigger part of our mainstream culture.

I nearly used the phrase, "that these things are becoming 'normal'", but as there is no "normal" when it comes to sex in my opinion, maybe a better phrase is that "these things are becoming more accepted by the majority".  That said, I still forget sometimes that we're not all there yet and like Alice coming out of her dream, I'm reminded that there is a world outside the wonderful AdultLand rabbit hole that I fell into five years ago.

A perfect example is a conversation I had during a meeting today regarding a project for the Harmony site. The guy that I'm consulting on it hasn't done any work around adult products ever before. He wasn't sure what to call a 'vibrator'. He tried 'tool' and 'implement', but didn't seem comfortable with either of those, so I offered up "vibrator", or "rabbit" and even "massager" as options to hopefully help put him at ease with something he clearly felt very unsure about.

By the end of our meeting he did appear to be getting the hang of it. Similar to that whole debate around "what should you call a penis or a vagina when talking to a child?", if we start labelling sex toys with daft words then it doesn't help get rid of the stigma around using them, or talking about using them. 'Massager' and 'love ring' are the limits of my prissyness and I only use those when totally necessary on social media.

The chap today certainly wasn't the first person to say, "Before I started working with you, I had no idea about all this stuff. I feel kind of naive, but I'm not a prude!" and I doubt he'll be the last. Undeniably, I do get a kick out of going to meetings with non-AdultLand professionals and see their faces light up when they get to say the words, "dildo", "butt plug", or "cock ring" in front of their CEO/manager in a meeting and it be perfectly acceptable.

Besides this, the real point to be got at here is but I think it's important that us sex writers, journalists - whatever you want to call yourself - do poke our heads out of the rabbit hole every now and then, because it's so easy to take for granted that we're all reading from the same page.

As we burrow through the latest sex science and psychology research, have our heads down writing endless reviews or product copy on yet another slimline silicone vibrator to be "the next big thing", but we're bored to the back teeth with yet another one that, actually, there are still tons of people that are only just coming into contact with this world. It certainly refreshed my view today and reminded me to look up from my porn infested computer from time to time.

So, yeah, that's all I got after being away for a few months writing about nothing but sex toys. Try not to judge me harshly!

RoseC