It's true, wedding planning turns you into an obsessive nobhead

Last week I learnt that trying to find miniature A-frame chalkboards within the UK is really difficult. In fact, I'd go as far to say it's almost impossible. I know this because I spent a total of around 15 hours (and then some) over the course of the week scouring every possible website and looks-like-they-might-sell-mini-chalkboards stores in London and I found only ONE retailer that had exactly what I was looking for.

The chalkboards are really important. They're for writing the table names on for my wedding. It's a vital part of the day, so that everyone can clearly see the name of the table. And no. I couldn't have settled for any old style, or an alternative design of chalkboard. It HAD to be this specific design, because it looks like a pub A-frame board and that's a really significant symbol for me and my husband-to-be.

Am I off my rocker? Possibly. Did I squeal with delight when I found them? Definitely. Did I almost cry when it became apparent that this single UK retailer didn't have the number of miniature A-frame chalkboards I wanted in stock in a single place and therefore had to ring round every shop in the UK, call their head office, dash across London and contact the German manufacturer to help me find the missing 2 I needed? Yes, but I did it with gritted teeth and determination, because gosh-fucking-darn-it I was not going to let those 15 hours go to waste and allow THESE PERFECT FUCKING CHALKBOARDS SLIP THROUGH MY FINGERS!

Breathe.

Once the "drama" was over, I also learnt something about myself: that I am not immune to being the typical Bride-to-Be where everything has to be just-so and I am willing to go crazy over finding exactly the right thing. I thought I was cool and calm about wedding planning, but it's funny how searching for miniature chalkboards can change that in an instant.

For you, when you're planning your wedding it might not be chalkboards, but could be flowers, wedding favours, a certain style of paper that you need for the invites because it folds correctly or holds the ink better when using that specific pen you bought for writing said invites. Whatever it is, deal with it and know that when wedding planning it's totally normal to become an obsessive nobhead over the littlest things that a week ago you didn't even know existed.

RoseC

P.S. In case A-frame chalkboards are your obsessive thing and you're wondering what these perfect mini ones look like because you need some too, then see the picture below. And here is where to buy them...although you can't actually get any at the moment, because I already bought ALL of the ones they had available. I'm not even sorry.  

 

 

Tomboys are sluts, suggests (dubious) new research

Ok, so researchers at King's College London may not have used the 's' word, but...

Tomboys, regardless of sexuality, are more promiscuous

Apparently. The study has shown that women who had tomboy tendencies when they were younger, generally have more lovers when older.

It leads me to wonder that if...

I am tomboy, therefore I slut [it up]

Warning: I am not about to offer a balanced or serious view of this 'scientific' finding and you'll quickly see why.

The 'Science'

Researchers questioned almost 500 pairs of twins (always with the twins in these studies) and asked whether they were attracted to men or women, how many lovers they'd had and about their "levels of childhood gender non-conformity".

Because, ya know, that's what we all think about when we're kids: I'm not going to fit my gender stereotype so that I *might* be more likely to fuck more people when I'm older. Pfft. 

From the study, the Kings College boffins concluded that those women with the 'tomboy gene' (I know, right, seriously, who knew we had a gene all of our own?!) had more sexual partners than those that didn't.

Results from the study suggest that the gene that causes women (gay and straight) to act in a masculine way, is the same one that causes them to be more promiscuous. Analysis showed that around 30% of a woman's sexuality is defined by her genes, while the other 70% is apparently down to lifestyle factors: peer pressure, social ideologies, conditions in the womb.

(Kinda interesting if it's true, but all sounds a bit vague.)

As long as there are hetero tomboys, there will also be lesbians

Riiiight.

I should point out at this stage that I read about this tomboys = sluts thing on the Daily Mail, so lets take this bit with a whole sack of salt. Also, I've been unable to track down the original King's College paper on the topic to see if this is true. Either way, this bit made me laugh in a WTF kinda way...

'The finding helps explain why homosexuality doesn’t die out, even though lesbian couples are not able to naturally have children carrying the genes of each partner.

This is because straight tomboys have more lovers than others – and so the ‘tomboy DNA’ stays in circulation, according to the study carried out by a team from King’s College London.'

Just let that sink in for a minute and try not to hit the palm of your hand on your forehead too hard. 

Is this serious?!

Really, I think this all sounds like a crock of shit. Unsurprisingly, there have been very few other news outlets to cover the story and it's questionable as to how seriously the scientific community will take the researchers findings. 

Compliments. They're a two-way street

I want to begin this post by telling you, my reader, that I think you are wonderful. I believe this because you have taken the time to read my blog and for that, I believe you are brilliant.

How did you react to the (very much heartfelt) compliment?

I ask this because I recently read on Buzzfeed about a 'social experiment' where the understanding of giving and accepting a compliment seems to have gone a bit awry. This made me sad and annoyed. I believe that there are few things in life (not including chocolate and sex) that will make someone feel as good as when you pay them an honest compliment, no matter how simple it is. 

"That sweater looks great on you."

"You did an excellent job."

"I just want to tell you I think you're beautiful."

"You are gorgeous."

*Wolf whistle*

Paying a compliment to someone can be such a wonderfully simple thing to do, yet leave them feeling on top of the world for the rest of the day and I hate the idea of "the art of complimenting" being abused and misused by both compliment giver (CG) and compliment receiver (CR), so I'd like to address a few things.

The compliment experiment 

Basically, in a nut-shell, a woman that received compliments from chaps online when using Twitter, Tumblr and other social media decided to stop ignoring the messages from these men, because when she did she would get called "rude" or a "bitch". 

Her reason for not responding to said messages, was because the majority of the time she didn't know the people that were paying her the compliments. Kind of fair enough.

Fed up of this abuse, she decided to respond by agreeing with the CG and acknowledging that she "does have nice eyes", or "yep" she knows she's amazing. The hope was that by doing this, she'd no longer get abuse because she's accepting the compliment and agreeing with them.

The result: the CG's began to call her "vain" and "full of herself". You can read the messages and responses here.

Knowing how to take a compliment 

Learning how to accept a compliment doesn't come easily to everyone. I totally appreciate that. Some people graciously accept what's been said. Others blush a little and try to find something equally as nice to say in response. Then there are those that totally ignore it, because they're completely thrown and believe this person must be talking out of their backside to say such a nice thing. 

In my experience, compliments work best when they're a two-way street. A compliment is given by one person and then acknowledged by the other and usually a simple "thank you" completes the transaction and everyone goes away feeling happy and satisfied.

What I think was missing from the majority of the responses in the 'social experiment' was that simple "thank you". It's one thing to acknowledge and agree with what's been said, but then it's general manners and politeness to say, "ta very much" afterwards.

And I don't want to get into the whole sexist debate here of, "Well, why should a woman be obligated to show gratitude for a compliment she didn't even ask for?", because:

a) it doesn't matter what gender you are, being polite should be common human nature and 

b) when are compliments ever asked for? That's sort of the whole point of compliments. You don't/shouldn't expect them. You can't predict them, so when you're given one it's just as much a measure of your character as CR and how you react, as it is of the CG when they give it.

I'd be interested to see how different the responses would be if more of those women that took part and accepted the compliments said "thank you" in their reply. Granted, there are a few where they did use TY's and they still got abuse, but then clearly the CG is disingenuous in their compliment and that's doing just as much of a disservice to "the art of complimenting" so their anomaly results in this experiment in my opinion.

All I'm saying, is that whenever I've been given a compliment and responded with "thank you, that's nice of you to say," or "thank you, so I've been told," I've never then been called a vain bitch straight after. (At least not to my face.)

But what about the sleazy weirdos?

Yeah, alright, I get it. Not every compliment from every person is a welcome one. Not all of them will give you that spring in your step for the rest of the day, because their compliment suggests something more, well...basically they're being pervy. 

We've all been there, we all know it happens and wish it didn't, because then you have to go through that awkward thing of accepting it, or not accepting it, or should you tweet Everyday Sexism because you're outraged that someone noticed you have nice tits and decided to tell you about it.

No, no you shouldn't tweet them is the answer because, you know what, you do have nice tits. Especially in that nice new bra you bought and it's not a crime against humanity that another person noticed it. 

Seriously though, I know what you mean, it's not ideal when this happens and the phrasing of a compliment is probably the most important element in this whole transaction, because it will dictate to some extent how the CR responds. 

However, in my opinion, even when the CG's language is crass and pretty forward, you still shouldn't be a dick about it. If they're already obviously a dick, then don't make it you're mission to be the bigger dick. A small smile, or I generally find a little tip-of-the-hat salute type thing to acknowledge it, suffices. This way it's over and done within seconds and then you can all get on with your day and no one has lost too much face.

So there we go. Only give compliments when you really mean them. Be polite when you receive them and "the art of the compliment" will continue to make us all happier, kinder people. 

RoseC x

Rose in AdultLand

Sometimes I forget that not everyone deals with sex on a daily basis like I do. Recently, I've had conversations where I've been reminded that the sexual revolution is still a work in progress. People are still catching up to the idea of sex, sex toys, watching porn, gender fluidity and sexual orientation becoming a bigger part of our mainstream culture.

I nearly used the phrase, "that these things are becoming 'normal'", but as there is no "normal" when it comes to sex in my opinion, maybe a better phrase is that "these things are becoming more accepted by the majority".  That said, I still forget sometimes that we're not all there yet and like Alice coming out of her dream, I'm reminded that there is a world outside the wonderful AdultLand rabbit hole that I fell into five years ago.

A perfect example is a conversation I had during a meeting today regarding a project for the Harmony site. The guy that I'm consulting on it hasn't done any work around adult products ever before. He wasn't sure what to call a 'vibrator'. He tried 'tool' and 'implement', but didn't seem comfortable with either of those, so I offered up "vibrator", or "rabbit" and even "massager" as options to hopefully help put him at ease with something he clearly felt very unsure about.

By the end of our meeting he did appear to be getting the hang of it. Similar to that whole debate around "what should you call a penis or a vagina when talking to a child?", if we start labelling sex toys with daft words then it doesn't help get rid of the stigma around using them, or talking about using them. 'Massager' and 'love ring' are the limits of my prissyness and I only use those when totally necessary on social media.

The chap today certainly wasn't the first person to say, "Before I started working with you, I had no idea about all this stuff. I feel kind of naive, but I'm not a prude!" and I doubt he'll be the last. Undeniably, I do get a kick out of going to meetings with non-AdultLand professionals and see their faces light up when they get to say the words, "dildo", "butt plug", or "cock ring" in front of their CEO/manager in a meeting and it be perfectly acceptable.

Besides this, the real point to be got at here is but I think it's important that us sex writers, journalists - whatever you want to call yourself - do poke our heads out of the rabbit hole every now and then, because it's so easy to take for granted that we're all reading from the same page.

As we burrow through the latest sex science and psychology research, have our heads down writing endless reviews or product copy on yet another slimline silicone vibrator to be "the next big thing", but we're bored to the back teeth with yet another one that, actually, there are still tons of people that are only just coming into contact with this world. It certainly refreshed my view today and reminded me to look up from my porn infested computer from time to time.

So, yeah, that's all I got after being away for a few months writing about nothing but sex toys. Try not to judge me harshly!

RoseC

Blog on tour

When the internet was first invented and not long after everyone got an email address, it quickly became apparent that there was a dark side to connecting people and friends from all over the world so easily. Electronic evil came in the form of chain emails and letters. 'FORWARD THIS ON OR YOU WILL DIE!' shouted the subject headers. 'Send this to 10 friends you love as much as me or I'll assume you don't love me, you're a bad friend and you will die,' others stated.

I always deleted them. I fucking hate anything chain-related.

However, there is usually an exception to every rule and this is mine. Two weeks ago I was asked by fellow blogger and journalist Catriona Innes to take part in a blogging tour. The idea is you answer some questions about your writing (as you'll soon see), then nominate a fellow blogger who's posts you enjoy, then they answer the same questions and so the chain goes on. For audiences, it'll hopefully introduce you to something new and for us writers it gives us a moment of reflection to contemplate how we do words and stuff. Good all round.

So, like I said, I was nominated by Catriona (Katie), who is author of the wonderful blog Crocuses In The Snow. I first met Katie when I worked at Scarlet magazine and she came to an internship for a month. We've remained in touch ever since and her journalistic career has continued to flourish.

My nominations will follow at the end of this post, but first here are the Q&A's...

What am I working on?
At the moment there's a lot of copywriting going on for an adult brand's website, which is due to launch very soon. That's taking up the majority of my time. In terms of writing for consumer publications I have my regular four columns for top shelf men's mags, which puts me in a constant writing loop as they roll around one after the other. There there's my events page for the gardening website, which gets uploaded weekly. These are my biggest 'day job' paid commissions, but I do let myself have fun with my writing too.

Away from the pressures of deadlines (and writing to pay the bills), I've started typing out my first book about sex (sorry I'm reluctant to give too much away) and am working on a website idea with fellow writer, blogger and friend Faye Dalgleish. I'm especially excited about the latter project as it should be a lot of fun and will give me a bit of a break from writing about relationships and shagging all of the time.

How does my work differ from others of its genre?
In the last year or so it feels like there has been an explosion of young women writing about sex. It feels like we've reached a point where we've become fed up and frustrated with what mainstream media portray as good sex advice and we're beginning to rebel against the candy-coloured ideas presented in SATC or Cosmo or whatever and are calling bullshit on what is considered "normal" or "healthy".

I like to think I have a place in this group of 20-something women, just trying to tell it like it is, be honest and sift the truth from the crap. The fact I was once called "disturbed" by someone on-staff at a women's mag, for simply being honest about sex and the fears some women feel around this subject, just proves my point. Sadly, there are still too many titles and writers that continue to try and dictate what we should consider regular and what is too out there.

My work differs from others because I like to have fun with what I write. So often (and I know I'm going on about sex writing a lot, but at the moment it makes up the bulk of my work load), matters of intimacy are over analysed and picked apart and although there is very much a time and a place for that and it's important we look at trends and issues within sex and sexuality, I sometimes feel we forget that sex should be fun and enjoyable too.

For me, I like to take the more light-hearted line when I can (but still get the facts right of course) and leave the serious analysis and reporting to others. Maybe this is why I enjoy writing for the men's mags so much? I know I can be cheeky, sarcastic and much ruder than any of the mainstream women's mags would ever allow. Having said that, I'm not afraid to throw my two cents in on issues around the rights of sex workers and comment on how sex is reported in the media.

Why do I do what I do?
The brutal and totally unromantic answer to this question is: so that I can pay the bills. Well, writing is my living, so I do what I do because I prefer this profession to any other. See this earlier post about how and why I got into freelancing specifically.

Going down the more abstract, 'writing is my art dharling' route, then I do what I do because I've always enjoyed telling stories. Ever since I was at primary school I loved using my imagination and writing things for others to read and enjoy. When my school got a computer and I'd learnt how to use Publisher, I got a few friends together and created a school newspaper. It was only one sheet of A4 and it was called Goss (short for gossip). We ran three editions, ever, and then I think we got too into playing kiss chase, or using the new skipping ropes, or something.

Since then I always knew I wanted to be a journalist: print, or documentary film (maybe I'll still try this one day) and uncover and write interesting articles. I've always been a pretty social person too, so a career where I get to talk to people, pick at their stories and makes contacts is very attractive to me.

Studying media from GCSE up to degree level taught me so much about the industry and how clever it is. I find it all fascinating. That's what drew me into it and then the sex writing kind of happened by chance: partly because of working at Scarlet and the subjects we'd write about, part because of who we shared an office with (Paul Raymond Publications) and part because the more I read in other women's media, the angrier I felt myself getting and the more bored I became, so made it a personal mission to write something better. I hope I'm achieving that.

The bottom line is, I write because I enjoy it, I give a shit and I believe there's a lot to be said and I want to put my voice towards that.

How does my writing process work?
Geez, this is a tough one, because every article, press release or copywriting job requires a slightly different method, or it does for me. Broadly speaking I'll get an idea for a feature or article after I've read/heard/watched something in the news, or if I've been chatting to friends on the phone, or down the pub. The thing with writing about sex is that (almost) everyone is at it and everyone has such vast and varied experiences of what it's like for them, so there's generally something to comment on, or another angle to find. Anyway, once I've grasped at an idea, I'll do the research to figure out if it's something workable, i.e. can it be turned into 500, 1000, 2000 word feature and then I'll think about where best to pitch it. Sometimes it's a goer, other times ideas fall flat on their arse within minutes of thinking them up.

For the more rigid stuff, like copywriting for a company, it involves doing a lot of reading about the brand, maybe speaking to the CEO and noting down good phrases and words which you can use later. Although it might not look it on the surface, copywriting still requires just as much creativity as penning an entertaining feature on spanking (or something).

So, that wraps up my contribution for the blogging tour. Now to the nominations of who's next...

Laura Lexx: We've heard from lots of authors and journos, so lets spin this blog tour into a slightly different direction by visiting the highly amusing world of stand-up comedian, actress and presenter Laura Lexx. Can't wait to hear about her writing process!

Faye Dalgleish: Erm, ok, so Faye may have only just discovered I'm nominating her to do this, but I reckon she'll only be annoyed at me for a few hours (I can deal with that). My partner in crime at uni and much talented writer, Faye blogs here. Discussing everything from jogging to overheard homophobic diners in a restaurant, Faye's honest approach to blogging about every day occurrences certainly makes for an entertaining read.

Enjoy!

The inevitable 'I'm ill' blog post

I have a really shitty cold. It's only a head cold - scratchy sore throat, sneezing, runny nose, blocked ears - which is even more annoying as the rest of me feels fine(ish). To put it into perspective, annoyingly it's one of those colds where you're not quite sick enough to justify a day in bed feeling sorry for yourself, but you're also not feeling up to scratch and as you sit at your desk working and really all you want to do is go back to bed. I'm so conflicted right now.

However, I am trying my best not to be totally pathetic (which I usually am when I'm ill), so have endeavoured to see the bonuses in my current not-so-healthy state. Here's what I've come up with...

Hot Toddies
Bollocks to mugs of sickly tasting Lemsip, the only drink worth having when you're ill is a hot toddy, preferably just before bed as the shot of whiskey/brandy/gin (that's right, you can make them using gin as well) will mean you sleep just that little bit easier thanks to the warm booZZZe. Lovely.

Stuff Yer Face
It's a well known medical fact (maybe) that you should 'feed a cold and starve a fever'. I'm not one that's usually conscious about my calorie intake anyway, but for those who are on a health kick, here is your perfect excuse for a guilt-free face stuffing opportunity. Eat, eat and eat some more until you feel better! It is for exactly this reason that I am allowing my friend to cook me a lasagna tonight and I intend to eat the majority of it (sorry fellow dining-friends). On the down side, I've found chocolate doesn't help, it just makes your throat feel worse: why is that, when obviously it's supposed to be the ultimate comfort food?

Do Those Little Jobs
There's no way that when you have a head stuffed full of cold that you can tackle that big assignment/project/annual report, so leave it to the side for a day or two until you're less fuzzy feeling. However, we're not slacking, there's still work to be done! Instead let yourself finally get round to doing all those little, less important admin jobs you've been needing to do for aaaages, but can't justify the time. It's still getting work done, so that's definitely a win.

Use A Nasal Spray
Honestly, they're just hilarious and make you pull the stupidest faces (or, is that just me...?).

Early To Bed
Being sick is a great excuse to be tucked up in bed and watching crap on NetFlix by 8pm and asleep by 9pm. Usually you can't get away with this, as your so-called "friends" refuse to believe you're getting old even though you've explained time and time again that "things are different when you reach your late twenties. I like being in bed and sleeping for longer on a school night."

*Le sigh*      

Ah, Nuts!

So, Nuts magazine is apparently closing after over a decade of offering us boobs, boobs, tits and a smattering of sport and 'news'. Admittedly, I've not picked up an issue of Nuts since Johnny Vaughn's celebrity was considered worthy of being on the front-cover. That's right, a long time ago. This comes only a month after the announcement that Front was to shut-up shop too. What's happening to the male magazine market?! More importantly, should I be worried?

Erm, well, yes and no.

There are many things the closure of Nuts could signify - another nail in the coffin of "lad culture"; a "win" for those radical feminists (a.k.a rad femmes) that believe these magazines existed only to objectify women; proof that if you fuck with the Co-Op then they will break you.

Personally, I was never that bothered by Nuts, or Zoo for that matter. As a woman that writes for a handful of well established porn magazines (good grief, don't let too many women's magazine commissioning editors hear me say that!) it would be difficult for me to say I was ever offended by them, but nor was I aroused. It was just a bit of titillation, a bit of fun. Bear in mind I write this from the point of view of a body confident female, that has the luxury of not being swayed so much about how my body should look compared to that of the women in the magazines. Anyhoo, the models I met that shot for them were always happy, contented and excited about being in the magazine, so fair play. However, I did always think Nuts were a bit in limbo after the height of laddishness had passed.    

They weren't welcome on the middle-shelf, because kids might see cleavage, but nor were they really welcome on the top. Compare an issue of Nuts to the latest copy of Escort that I got through the post and it's fairly obvious why the two shouldn't sit next to each other. As a friend of mine so eloquently put it when she saw the pornography lying around my office: "This is well in-yer-face stuff. Don't see that in Nuts!"

Correct, you don't. If lad mags started showing full frontal pussy in their pages I don't think they would have got within 10 feet of the Co-Op. Ever. Let alone being taken off the shelves just last year. (That was the "no" I'm not worried part of the answer, they're just too different areas of the market to really compare them, alas people do, which leads me on to...)

I find it odd, then, that there have been (mostly feminist-led) suggestions the reason Nuts is closing is because of that cliched argument: there's too much free porn on the internet. Cue next wave of internet porn hysteria in a few days time (this will be the "yes", get worried, part of my answer).

In advance of the "too much porn" debate being raised for the umpteenth time, and while I don't want the magazines I write for to be the next target for feminazis, I'd like to say...

Stop grabbing on to the sad demise of one magazine to stir up more arguments about our supposed porn saturated culture. What young 20-something men want today isn't the same as what the 20-something lads of 10 years ago wanted from their media. Quite why we jump to the conclusion that it must be sex related is beyond me? Men stop looking at tits in magazines, so it simply must mean that they're replacing it by watching hardcore online? Give over.

Show me the definitive proof that's where their readers have gone before we start pointing the finger.

Also, if online porn is to blame for the closure of this magazine, then why haven't actual porn mags become extinct? Surely that should have happened long ago?

It's the fact that the publishers are running at a loss. It comes down to cold, hard facts and figures that generally speaking, as the internet grows, you're print figures are going to decline. It's then up to the publisher if those figures keep them happy or not. Realistically, I suspect the decision and reasons to close had very little to do with where blokes go these days for their wank-fodder.

Whatever may have caused the circulation to drop doesn't compensate for the fact that around 30 people, plus all of the models that posed for the magazine, are currently at risk of loosing their jobs and a form of income. As someone that has been through redundancy consultations, where the life of your much-loved magazine is hanging in the balance, I can say that it really does suck. Hugely. Try to explain to any one of them, "internet porn made you loose your job" and I think they're well within their right to tell you where to stick it.