Just a love machine

We sell a great number of amazing, titillating, vibrating, sexy, powerful and alluring toys in the sex shop I work in. There is literally a huge number of gadgets and lingerie to satisfy on offer, but for some people this just isn't enough. Some people see past the designer dildos, the multi-speed vibrators and instead make it their sole purpose to come into the shop and use The Love Machine.

It looks a little bit like this.

The one in the shop doesn't look quite as modern as this, I couldn't actually find the one we have on google images. Testament perhaps as to how old it might be. That's by-the-by though, the point is that people - ok, mainly men - walk into the shop specifically to use this contraption to get their 'love' or 'sex' rating thinking that it tells them the truth. If they hit a 10, they're assured they're gonna get laid that day, or if they get a two or three they claim they don't understand, ask me to explain and then throw an explicit or two at the machine when they believe it's just told them they don't have a hope in hell of pulling because they're 'a wet fish'.

I first spotted this phenomenon when an Asian chap brought an older gentleman friend of his into the store. They spoke for a moment in a language I didn't understand, but by the tone you could infer he was saying something along the lines of: "You put 20p in there, put your finger on there and it tells you how sexy you are and if you're going to get your end away."

"Really?" asks the older chap sceptically.

"Absolutely, just do it, here give me 20p," inserts into slot and forces his friends finger onto the metal pad.

At the point the machine kicks in and makes some god-awful noises that you only hear at gyppo carnivals just before the rides are about to start. It lasts about a minute. The whole time the gent stands frozen, his finger on the pad, not sure what the funny, little pink machine is going to do next.

"OOOOHHHHHH, AAAAHHHHH! 10! YOU GOT 10," (I assume) the younger man declares excitedly, obviously happy that his friend will be getting his leg over that evening. The older man casually shrugs his shoulders as if he knew this already. What a playa.

This must bode well for the younger man, who takes his turn next. Clearly the love machine is on fire today and everyone will be having sex. Hell, London may even become one big orgy before sunset.

Sadly, it's not to be. The younger chap only scored a five. Head down, disappointed, he probably won't even make it off the bench. They promptly leave the store.

People who like to play this game often get agitated if they don't have any 20p's and ask you to change a pounds worth. We're not allowed to do this. Upon telling them we're often met with disgust that we've now scuppered their chance to get jiggy.

Well, actually, no we haven't. It's a fucking game, it's not real. It goes on pulse rate, it's ridiculous. It's about as accurate as a mood ring telling you you're suicidal even though you feel like a ray of sunshine. If you really want something satisfying then why not take the time to look at, or even buy, some of the actual, good sex toys that we sell. Stick your dick in that and I promise it'll be a lot more satisfying than discovering a lie from the love machine!

Thankfully, most people that play in groups realise it's a gimmick, a bit of fun. The false hope is supposed to be laughed at as your nerdy friend scores a nine or 10, but the stud gets a meagre three.

I once told a man that it wasn't real...well he did ask!

Venturing in with two other male friends they were dressed smart, nice cologne and clearly about to hit the town. Up they step to the machine, two of them with serious looks on their faces as their sex fate was about to be decided. The third chap, who must have had a bit more going on upstairs, turned to me and asked, "Is this actually real? Or is it a toy?"

"It's just a toy sir, a bit of fun." We both laughed, but I could tell he died a bit inside at the disappointment as the laughing stopped and he relayed my message to his friends. I felt like I'd killed some sort of mythical sex fairy.

They left, and I only hope they managed to roger some girls just to prove how wrong the love machine was and they didn't need it's backing to get a shag.

To a point, I guess it's a confidence booster for some chaps, if they know they've got a 10 behind them. So for all it's fault and intimidating noises, long live the falsity of The Love Machine. 

Completely missing the point

Sat in the pub with the boyfriend on Saturday night, we got onto the discussion of 'shit films' after one of his housemates was watching a particularly cheesy piece of cinematic shite, Beastly - a remake of Beauty & The Beast. Have you seen it? If you have and you enjoyed it then you are now dead to me, and if you haven't seen it then take it from me that it should be avoided like the plague because it's the biggest load of wank with cliched lines and weak acting. In my opinion.

Anyway, that's how the conversation on films started. It then progressed to my boyfriend telling me he'd read a story in the news that Odeon cinemas had been refunding tickets to people who went to see The Artist, but then demanded a refund because there was no talking in it.

After a moment of spluttering and trying to get my head around what I'd just heard, the only response I could come out with was: "What complete fucktards!"

"Who?" asks the boyfriend, and to be honest I think that's where my confusion really started because I don't know who that was directed at as it appears to me there's a fine line between who's stupider: the members of the audience that went to see a SILENT film and then complained when there was no dialogue, or Odeon for refunding these culturally inept twats. Who was to win the 'fucktard' title?

Seriously though, how can people go to see a film which has received so much acclaim and coverage for the fact that it's in black and white and that the trailer is completely silent except for members of the audience commenting on it, that they completely missed the point and concept of the film? My guess is that they're band waggon hoppers that thought, "oh my god like everyones talking about this really amazing film, that's like so cutting edge and because we're edgy and stuff we should go and see it and totally get it because we're big cinematic fans."

Well, you didn't get it did you? You completely missed the fucking point of the beauty and irony and historical context of the film and because you're so bought in on glitzy Hollywood anything that breaks the conformity you're used to, or that you have to think about, or god forbid you should be asked to be slightly more active in watching the film by reading rather than a completely passive member of the audience where your eyes look lazily at the screen expecting to see all the whizz-bangs and CGI effects that are usually so lovingly put together in your blockbusters, you felt the need to ask for a fucking refund because you needed to engage with what was in front of you.

Twats.

The cinema's no better though in my opinion. I don't think they should have refunded the fucktards, thus also making them stupid too. Apparently Odeon have a policy whereby you can get your money back if you leave the film 10 minutes in and you're not enjoying it - wish I'd known that when I went to see Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland. Terrible.

Something just doesn't sit right with me about it though. Even though I didn't like Alice In Wonderland, I knew what I was getting myself into, it's just unfortunate that the story retold in the way it was, wasn't very good. The fact that The Artist doesn't have any dialogue in it shouldn't be justification for people finding the film crap. They're entitled to think that if they wish, but not because of the lack of sound because that's the point of the film. If the plot was rubbish too, then fair enough, walk out, but you can't go to see a silent film and then criticise it for being too silent. That's plain stupid.

What we can learn from this is people need to pay more attention to reviews or at least take half an interest in what they're hoping to see at the cinema rather than jumping on a band waggon and feeling obliged to see it because it's 'critically acclaimed'. If it doesn't sound like (pardon the pun) the sort of film you'd like, then don't see it. I avoided Avatar for that exact same reason.

Here's the article I read up about it. Don't even get me started on the typos in there...

RoseC